torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

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[RL WITH SULU]

It was dark. A fact which, recently, had become a lot more of an issue than it normally had been for him before, but Ianto wasn't thinking in terms of then and now. Because something was coming for him out of the darkness, but this time he knew exactly what it was, and exactly what would happen to him when they found him. The same thing that happened to Jim, and Sue, and countless others, others that Ianto had barely taken the effort to learn the names of, but watched in horror as they marched them off in a line to those rooms. Those rooms with the plastic hanging from the ceiling, the rooms that, without any walls to block out the sound, made it that much easier to hear the sounds of his coworkers screaming, the sounds of the machines and thank god he couldn't hear the noises of what they were doing over the screaming, or he might just go mad.

He sat, barricaded in the deepest, darkest parts of the archives, the sounds of the machines and those units echoing across the space, because they'd moved and started to set it up in there, now, and Ianto couldn't do a damned thing except hide and hope against all things that they would make enough units to call it quits. That they would finally, finally leave and that he could move, breathe, get away from this place that for the better part of the day he was so sure was going to be his tomb. He had to get out. Had to find Lisa. Had to get them the hell out of there before god knows what else happened next. He cracked the door open just a hair, to try and check if the coast was clear, just in time for one of them to turn down the hallway, searching, looking his direction. Ianto thought his heart might rip out of his chest, it was beating so fast.

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"It'll be okay," Sulu said, "If it gets too bad, I'll swing by the medbay on my way to the bridge and get something for it." Really, he just didn't want to leave the bed, now that he had Ianto more calmed down and comfortably in his arms. He wanted to make sure Ianto knew that it was all right - that it might've not been the right thing to do or the smart thing to do, but it had been something Sulu understood. He knew now that he would've done the same for Ianto, if he'd had to.

"I know, Ianto," Sulu said quietly, pressing another kiss to his temple, "It's okay. It's not something you can just tell people about; I can't imagine there being a good time for this before now. But I'm glad you told me." He really was, too; that Ianto wanted to tell him something like that and was willing to do so now. It meant a lot.

Ianto didn't really want to make Sulu leave him alone in the room to go searching something out like that, nor did he really want to get up and have to be poked and prodded by McCoy at that moment either, so. He wasn't about to argue with Sulu's decision to stay put and get something more for it later, if necessary. It was Sulu's decision to make anyway, and if he thought he didn't need it, Ianto trusted that he didn't. Sulu wasn't the one to hide how he was feeling from the people he cared about, after all. Well, at least Ianto was getting better about that...

Ianto shifted, moving to take Sulu's hand in his own, unbelievably reassured by the other man's actions, wanting to show that that was the case. "That dream, though... I mean, it was based on memories of what happened in Torchwood Tower, but. I don't know, it was different. I think... I think that I might've been somewhat aware of you trying to wake me up, of you being here with me, that I might've reacted to you the way I was trying to react to that Cyberman, and..." Well, then he'd slugged him in the face. "Believe me, though. You know I've been having nightmares lately, but none of them have been quite as bad as that one. I would've done something about this a lot sooner, if they were..."

Sulu nodded slowly, squeezing Ianto's hand gently to reassure Ianto that everything was going to be all right. "I know," he said. "You haven't been having nightmares that bad yet, but since you're having them so often, it might be a good idea to tell McCoy about it tomorrow anyway."

He wasn't really sure how he felt about being the Cyberman in Ianto's dream, but he knew that it was only logical that he'd been associated with the one thing Ianto was interacting and focusing the most on. "It's likely your brain was trying to get everything in order for you, you know? So it had to translate me waking you up into the dream." He shifted on the bed, pulling Ianto with him so that he had the other pulled to his chest, instead of just to his side. "How are you feeling now, though? Is it any better, now that you're awake? Do you need anything?"

Ianto shifted with Sulu, letting himself be pulled against his chest, shifting to lean back and take all of the comfort and support that came in that motion and position. "I'm..." Ianto said, giving his answer some thought. "I'm alright, I guess. Still a bit charged, both from waking up so fast from that nightmare, and then, well. From telling you about Torchwood One and all of that. Sort of tired, but that's understandable, because well. I was asleep, we should technically be asleep right now, and what sleep I have gotten already wasn't exactly...well, restful."

He sighed, shifting to lean his head against Sulu, finally taking a sip of the water he had balanced in his other hand for the last while. "I'll be fine, I just. I need a few more moments before I calm down enough to try and go back to sleep, though," he explained, softly. "But... You're right. Talking to McCoy about this tomorrow would definitely be a good idea. I... I'd rather not have to have another nightmare quite on that level anytime soon, if I can help it."

Sulu shook his head. "Take your time, okay? We don't need to go back to sleep until you're ready." After all, Sulu had been sleeping a lot better than Ianto, and he could afford to miss an hour of sleep on this. He wanted to miss it, honestly, if it meant Ianto was feeling better. He moved his hands to Ianto's shoulders, rubbing gently to try and help ease the tension there, finding it almost unnerving how quickly he could become focused solely on Ianto's health. He wondered if that would become a problem later on, but couldn't bother himself to worry.

He wondered if it had something to do with that feeling in his chest, but he tried not to think about it. He didn't want to think about his own problems when Ianto's were much more easily dealt with. He shifted a little, closing his eyes.

Ianto nodded, appreciating the sentiments, slowly relaxing more against Sulu's chest, especially thanks to the shoulder rub that he was receiving from the other man. He shouldn't be getting used to this sort of thing, and he couldn't help but feel a little coddled, but at the same time, it was helping and he really couldn't argue with that at all, nor the sentiments behind the motion in the first place.

"Yeah, alright," he said, softly, in response. "Still, though. I'm sorry for waking you up, and for keeping you up after it. I'm going to have a talk to McCoy, to make sure that this doesn't happen again. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm not sleeping well, but. I don't want to be disrupting anything for you, either." He laced his hands together in his lap. "Just because you don't mind doing it for me doesn't mean that we should make a habit of it, or anything. Even though you are very good at this whole calming me down, thing..."

Sulu smiled at that, his eyes closed and his hands still gently rubbing Ianto's shoulders. He wouldn't mind getting some more rest, but all the same, he didn't mind staying up for the other man. "I like calming you down," he said with a small laugh. "It won't be a habit though, promise. I'll make sure that if you have another nightmare, I just shove you and go back to sleep. How's that?"

He knew that Ianto would probably get irritated by the overprotectiveness Sulu was showing him, but it wasn't like either of them really had a choice. Sulu couldn't possibly let Ianto suffer without support, and Ianto was hardly going to turn him down if he offered comfort. It wouldn't make sense for either of them.

Ianto snorted, shifting to elbow Sulu lightly in protest to that idea. "You'll do absolutely no such thing," he said, turning his head to look at the other man. "If I reacted this poorly to you trying to be nice about waking me up, shoving at me will probably end up with me knocking you out, or something, and then where will we be?"

He turned around, facing forward once more, unconsciously moving to put a hand on Sulu's thigh. "I'm not complaining about the fact that you're calming me. I like that you are, and I like that it works. I just... I'm hoping it doesn't end up having to become a habit, I guess. But really, you're right. It's just something to tell McCoy about, and then he'll adjust the medications, and I'll once more be able to sleep through the night without waking you up like this, or without having to sleep through the day as well..."

Sulu laughed at that, dropping his hand to cover the one Ianto had rested on his thigh, squeezing a bit. It was nice to joke with Ianto again and to know that it wasn't false on either of their behalves. He was glad to have this back, have Ianto back, the way he had been before the 456. He knew that there was going to be some long-term damage; he knew that he'd have to deal with that, that they'd both have to deal with it. And he knew that Jack was going to need help too, with all of this - but they would all be able to handle it. They had to be able to.

"And that'll be amazing," Sulu said with a smile. "It'll be nice to know you aren't having bad dreams, or feeling sick." And it would be nice. Sulu shifted slightly, frowning briefly - so why did he still feel so strange?

"Yeah..." Ianto shifted his head slightly to rest more fully against Sulu's chest as soon as the other man moved a hand to cover his on his thigh. It was nice to joke with the other man, nice to think of a time when he'll be free from bad dreams and sickness and whatever else that might crop up before he got better, who really even knew?

Ianto was so busy musing about it that he almost didn't notice Sulu shifting behind him, but. It wasn't a normal shifting--it was subtle and uncomfortable and there wasn't anything pleasant or contented about it, and so. Ianto moved to tilt his head and look at Sulu, catching the frown on his face. He shifted his hand underneath Sulu's to grip it, briefly, blue eyes curious and concerned as he looked up at him. "Hey..." he said quietly, "are you... Are you alright? I... I didn't hit you anywhere else, did I?"

Sulu's frown disappeared almost immediately, replaced with another soft smile as he shook his head vaguely. "No, just my nose. Poetic justice, I guess. But I'm fine." It was just that whenever he let himself think about it, he ended up feeling that pit under his heart, like Ianto was still dead and gone and he was never, never going to see him again. It had shrunk by then but it was definitely still there, in his chest, drawing his attention when he let it.

He wanted to tell Ianto, to explain to him that he... maybe he wasn't all right now, but after all they'd been through, after everything Ianto had had to endure, the last thing Sulu wanted to do was destroy that by telling him that he sometimes felt like he had when Ianto had been gone. So he shook his head again and repeated, "I'm okay."

Ianto continued watching him. He recognized that the smile was a genuine one, but the repeating of the fact that he was fine...wasn't exactly reassuring. The only other times that he'd repeated that he was okay had been times when...well, when he quite obviously wasn't completely okay in whatever situation it was that he found himself in.

Ianto wasn't one to press--it would be hypocritical of him, considering the amounts of things that he'd rather keep to himself, the things that he found it hard to talk about. But he couldn't bring himself to turn away, to let up on watching the other man carefully, trying to judge what it was that was going on inside the other man's head. He didn't want to ask again, didn't want to push if it really was nothing, but. He couldn't bring himself to look away, to relax and accept that. "Yeah?" he asked, softly.

Sulu knew he wasn't in top form tonight. Maybe it was the fact that Ianto had told him about Lisa, or the fact that Ianto had socked him in his sleep like he had when they'd been at the hospital, but now that Ianto was more relaxed, more at ease, he wasn't able to keep up his usual attitude.

That didn't mean he wanted to tell Ianto about it; about how sometimes he woke up wondering if everything in the past two months had been just a dream or a hallucination, or about how his stomach seemed to have a permanent stone in it, or the feeling in his chest that, while it wasn't as bad as it had been before, wasn't disappearing like he'd hoped. Maybe it was because part of him still felt like he'd wake up and Ianto would be gone.

More than anything, he didn't want to tell Ianto because the other man had a habit of thinking things were his fault, and there was nothing they could do for this. Ianto had just told him something personal, and he didn't want to make him feel bad again. "Yeah," he said, realizing he'd been quiet maybe just a few seconds too long. He knew he was being obvious by now, so he sighed and pressed a kiss to Ianto's forehead. "I'm just... tired. Mentally, you know? It's all right, though."

Ianto fretted his lip between his teeth, not really quite sure how to interpret Sulu's lengthy silences, not sure what the other man was feeling or thinking, because really. Ianto was starting to get the feeling that despite the fact that Sulu was nothing but supportive and reassuring to others when they were feeling less than their best, when he was feeling down himself he made it actually pretty difficult for others to return the favor. But Ianto...he really, really did want to return the favor. Support didn't only work in one direction in a relationship, after all.

Ianto shifted, turning sideways to put one arm around Sulu's waist, his other laying flat on his chest, leaning sideways against his chest instead of backwards against it so that it was easier to look up at him. "Yeah, I know..." he said in response, after his shifting was done. "I... You know that you can talk to me, though, yeah? I mean. This goes both ways. Just because...well, all of this is going on, it doesn't... I mean, I'm still here for you. You're allowed to have your own down moments as well, you know. It's alright, really; you've more than warranted them."

Running a hand through his hair, Sulu nodded. "Yeah, I know. I just would rather worry about you than me." How were either of them supposed to fix this, anyway? It just needed time. But Ianto wanted him to talk; that much was obvious from how he was looking at Sulu, and so Sulu knew he needed to say something, to give something to Ianto.

So, he sighed again and nodded once more. "I'm just. Adjusting to having you back, still. I don't think all of me gets it yet and..." He didn't want to explain it to Ianto, but the other had every right to know. "When - when you died, I didn't... I didn't take it so well. And some of me still isn't taking it well, is all. It'll pass," he finished as he closed his eyes briefly. It had to pass. There was no other option.

Ianto shifted his head a little, nudging Sulu gently. "You might, but I'm tired of worrying about me," he said, shifting closer, hopefully being a little more supportive so that Sulu might want to open up a little and talk to him about what was obviously bothering him at that moment.

And it must've worked a little, because then Sulu was talking and responding to his silent prompting, and Ianto...listened. Listened to what he realized was probably the first time that Sulu had really spoken about himself and his feelings for the past while at all. He rubbed his hand gently where it lay on Sulu's chest as he finished, especially when his eyes fell shut. Ianto felt something in his chest tighten at just how vulnerable the other man appeared in that moment, and at how he wanted to just take everything bad that had happened and make it go away so he could fix it for Sulu, but he knew that that was impossible, a fix-all like that.

"It'll pass if you let it," he said, quietly. He didn't want to press, but he knew... Keeping these things to yourself wasn't going to get rid of them by any means. It was just going to keep festering, long after the fact. Ianto knew. He'd been in a situation much the same as this one, only he...well. He hadn't been quite as successful as Sulu had. But he had Jack to help, and now...well, Sulu had him. "That's only if you let it, though."

"I'm trying," Sulu said, not even noticing how heavy his voice sounded as he spoke. "Part of me is just holding on to it. I don't know why. I'm..." He swallowed, clearing his throat, "Jack already called me out on it, but. I haven't had to... deal with this kind of thing before. Deaths in the family or in the line of duty, those I'm used to. But with you..."

With Ianto, he'd felt like he'd lost more than just a family member or a member of his crew, and it had ripped him apart a little. He didn't know how to explain that to Ianto without sounding ridiculous, though. It wasn't like they were going to get married, or they'd been together all that long. He sighed. "I wasn't ready for it and I didn't expect it, and when I saw you die I lost it, a little. And I'm still working to get back from that."

Ianto nodded slightly, understanding all too well how that felt, clinging on to the bad even though you wanted to be rid of it. "You shouldn't have been, though. Shouldn't have been ready and expecting it. That's not part of who you are, you don't look at every day as another day to lose everyone and everything that's important to you." He shifted his hand, hesitantly, not quite up to rest on Sulu's his face, but just below, on the side of his neck, gentle and supporting.

"I'm sorry..." he said, softly. "I... I can't even imagine stumbling across something like that. But we both know that I'm not going down without a fight, and McCoy really does seem to be onto something." He stopped talking for a moment, biting his lip, before he spoke up again. "It's alright, though. That...that you're not at your best, after something like that. I mean. I'd be more concerned if you actually were fine." He stroked his thumb across Sulu's jaw. "But... You will. Get back from it." He smiled softly. "You're too much of a stubborn optimist for anything less."

Sulu chuckled a little at that, shaking his head slightly. "No, you're right. I will get over this, I know I will. But... I just." He finally brought his eyes to Ianto's, knowing that the space in his chest was leaving a look in his eyes that he wouldn't be able to hide. "I don't ever want to have to go through that again. I don't want to lose you again. I care way too much about you for that to happen again."

He wanted to tell Ianto just how much he cared about him, and he wanted to tell him that for those nine days, the universe had all but disappeared around him. But it wouldn't do anyone any good, so he kept it to himself, taking the time it would have taken to say all that to instead wrap his arms around Ianto hand hug him close.

Ianto couldn't help but move his hand to the side of Sulu's jaw, tilting the other man's head down while leaning up himself to place a soft, chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth, before releasing that, and going back to the way they'd been sitting moments prior. "You won't," he said, firmly. "You won't lose me like that again. Not if you or Jack or Gwen or I have anything to say about the matter."

Ianto knew that he wasn't going to find the right set of words to automatically take that look out of Sulu's eyes, but he would do what he could to at least make it better. He would do what he could to help Sulu fight it off. He relaxed against Sulu's chest, held firm against the other man, warm and safe and...loved in his arms. All of the ghosts haunting his dreams were melting away, and for that moment, there was just the pair of them in Sulu's cabin, clinging to and supporting and...yeah, alright, loving each other.

"I..." Ianto said, speaking up after a moment. "I can't promise that things will get better right away, or that they'll always be better, once they do, but. It's like you said. I care way too much about you to ever make you go through anything like that again, yeah?"

Life was too chaotic for either of them to promise that they'd get some kind of happily ever after from this, and Sulu knew that. But it didn't matter, because at least for right now, they both agreed that things would be better than they were now. And even if he felt like he hadn't done enough to explain himself to Ianto, it felt better to have told him.

"I know you can't promise that," Sulu said softly, smiling and looking at Ianto with a much less troubled look on his face, "But all the same. This is going to work out. It has to. And I don't care if there are bumps." He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. "Honestly, I can deal with any of our problems so long as you're willing to help me like this." He opened his eyes after a moment and said with complete sincerity, "Thank you, Ianto."

"And I will," Ianto affirmed. "Be willing to help you like this. Always. God knows, you're going to have to talk me out of enough moods in the future. I'm happy that I can even help at all, right here and now, really. And so...you're welcome. Any time. I know that you'll always lend an ear to listen and talk when you can, and you should know that I'll do the same. That..."

He moved his hand down, to rest on Sulu's chest again, tilting his head sideways to rest on Sulu's shoulder, tucking it into the crook of his neck. "That even if you think it's stupid or too small to bother with, it doesn't matter. Just tell me, and I'll be happy to hear you out on it. To talk to you and help in any way I can. It's the least I can do, after all." He paused a moment, before speaking up again, softly. "So...thank you. For trusting me with that. I know...well. That it's probably not so easy to talk about. But. I'm glad to know that it helped. Very glad."

Resting his chin on top of Ianto's head, Sulu made an affirming noise. "There's no one better to trust than you, Ianto." It wasn't as though Sulu divulged his feelings to anyone who asked; he was used to keeping them internalized for so many various reasons that it would be impossible to unpack them all.

In fact, him being able to tell Ianto even that much only brought the fact that he trusted Ianto, possibly too much, into even sharper relief. He wondered about it again, but pushed it aside; these kinds of things were better accepted and allowed, after all. He didn't need to think too hard on it; he didn't need to think that there was something more to it. He knew why he trusted Ianto, why he wanted to help him, why he was willing to bargain with Eris to get him back. He just needed to get around to saying it aloud.

"I've meant everything I've said to you," Sulu said after a little quiet moment, "I really have. I want you to know that."

Ianto smiled gently, nodding slightly and brushing his fingers gently across the fabric of Sulu's shirt, rubbing gently against his chest underneath it as well. Because he did. He did know. Just because Sulu hadn't said it, that didn't mean that Ianto didn't know. It didn't mean he'd mind to hear it, of course, but. He was used to reading the signs more than hearing the actual words. It was the same with Jack, who had never said the words either, even after all this time. But that was alright, though. Just because he hadn't heard it, that didn't mean that he didn't know

Granted, Ianto himself hadn't really said it that many times, either. Just the once, in that room, dying in Jack's arms in front of that tank of poison air that housed the 456, he'd said it. He'd felt it long before that, but he said it then because he couldn't not. He couldn't die and leave the pair of them not knowing, in case he hadn't made it clear...

"I know," Ianto said softly, after his own moment of silence. "And I'm glad of it. I mean everything I say to you, after all. It's only fair trade."

Laughing a little, Sulu nodded and shifted, leaning away so that he could tilt Ianto's chin up slightly with one hand before leaning back in for a soft kiss. "Good," he said, "I'm glad we've got a fair and balanced relationship." He promised himself that he wouldn't let this happen again; even if he thought it was silly, he would tell Ianto what was going on with him. After all, the other man had been doing that for him - it was only fair, like he'd said.

"Are you feeling better, now? I didn't mean to bring you down if I did. I want you to be able to get a real, good night's sleep if you can, though. After not being able to rest for the last few weeks, it'd be good for you. But I don't want to make you sleep if you don't think you can."

[RL WITH SULU]

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