Ianto Jones (
torchwoodteaboy) wrote2010-11-25 01:58 pm
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[RL WITH SULU]
Ianto lay in his bed upstairs, a book laying face down on his chest. He had been trying to read for the better part of an hour, but had found himself drifting more often than not, and on the third read-through of the same page he'd given up and just put it down. And he'd been drifting since then as well, not really awake enough to be doing anything other than just lying there, not really tired enough to really go to sleep. More and more each day, while no one else was around, he found himself in this sort of a state, a sort of standby mode that was disturbing in the fact that it didn't really bother him. That nothing really bothered him anymore, because he really couldn't dredge up enough energy to be bothered about it.
He brought a hand up to his face, running it across his eyes. He...he couldn't keep lying to himself like this. At first he thought it had simply been his imagination, that things were just progressing slowly, that was all. For all that he had worried that things wouldn't get better, he had hoped that they would, Sulu continuously helping him be optimistic in that fact, and so the fact that he was going backwards, now, getting worse, it... It was crushing. And he had no idea what he was going to do about it. No idea. The even worse fact of the matter was that he was slowly convincing himself that there was nothing to do about it. That he'd never get better. That it was too late, and he couldn't do anything about it now even if he tried. Which was the mindset he kept spiraling down and dragging himself out of as it approached that time when Sulu would be making his appearance for the night.
He brought a hand up to his face, running it across his eyes. He...he couldn't keep lying to himself like this. At first he thought it had simply been his imagination, that things were just progressing slowly, that was all. For all that he had worried that things wouldn't get better, he had hoped that they would, Sulu continuously helping him be optimistic in that fact, and so the fact that he was going backwards, now, getting worse, it... It was crushing. And he had no idea what he was going to do about it. No idea. The even worse fact of the matter was that he was slowly convincing himself that there was nothing to do about it. That he'd never get better. That it was too late, and he couldn't do anything about it now even if he tried. Which was the mindset he kept spiraling down and dragging himself out of as it approached that time when Sulu would be making his appearance for the night.
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It's right, they were waiting for Jack. But Ianto tried not to focus on that, finding it easy to ignore because of the tea. "I'd like that, though," Ianto said. "I'm not really one for tea, but. If drinking this a bit more regularly helps keep me from be too depressing sometimes, I'll gladly drink a cup every couple of weeks, or something. I know how I can get, sometimes, after all. Anything that can help keep me from being as much of a downer as this does is definitely worth at least keeping in the books, if nothing else," he said, shrugging.
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"And really, it doesn't matter how depressing you are. I'm with you in spite of all that, you know." He smiled at Ianto. "I don't mind having to put in the extra work to make you feel better about yourself and life in general."
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He shook himself out of it, not wanting to focus on that too much. He'd liked how things had been going, before all of this had happened. Regardless of how inevitable it was, he didn't really want things to change all that much. He supposed it was up to them, though, in the long run. How the two of them dealt with it all.
...he realized belatedly that he'd fallen silent for a bit too long, and brought the mug up to drink a little more, laughing softly. "Sorry. Apparently this tea doesn't save you from introspection, I guess..." he said, smiling apologetically from over the mug, gripping it in both hands as he looked across at Sulu.
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"And no, it doesn't really. It just helps make the inward gaze a little less scrutinizing." Neither of them were safe from being caught in that trap right now, after everything that had happened, but at least it wasn't making the conversation any worse. "Just remember that everything is going to work out."
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At the mention to remember that it was all going to work out, though, Ianto nodded. "I... Yeah. I really hope it is," he said. "First thing's first though...is Jack." He took in a breath. "He's not going to take this very well. At all, really. I...I feel like I should apologize for him in advance, or something. He. He just gets worked up, is all. It makes him pretty hard to reason with, when he gets emotional, and everything..."
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"One thing's for sure," Sulu said, frowning slightly as he looked at his tea. "We're going to have to work on your communication skills, because this sort of situation can't happen again. You can't do this to either of us."
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"I..." He sighed, idly turning his mug in his hands. "We'll talk about it. Later. After... After all of this. We'll...we'll figure it out. See what needs fixing. See what I can fix on my own, and what I might need help with. But... I know. It's not fair to either of you. And I'm sorry about that."
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"We'll figure it out. It's not like you did this out of spite. You just..." Sulu sighed and smiled softly, a little sadly, reaching out to put a hand over Ianto's. "You need to realize that you don't have to do things on your own. Jack and I care about you, Ianto." More than Ianto probably would ever know, at least when it came to Sulu. "If you need help with something, if you're worried or upset about something, you can tell us. At the very least, tell us so we don't have to do this again."
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And that's when he heard it, a car door outside the front of his flat. He wasn't sure where the car had come from that Jack had been driving, but then again Jack probably owned cars, owned flats and houses that he just never used because he'd lived at the Hub, had the SUV, not needed the connection to the outside ever since he'd taken over Torchwood Three. Ianto tensed, bringing his eyes up to look at Sulu across the table. "...shit," he said, softly. "I... I'm not ready for this. I'm really not ready for this..."
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Still. Was there any way he could prepare Jack for this, so that maybe they could keep him from becoming too upset too quickly? He couldn't think of anything. The fact that Ianto was going to be telling him instead of fainting on him first would be a step up, at least. With a sigh, Sulu took up both of their mugs and stood, moving back to the kettle. "I'll fill your cup up. You'll probably need it."
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Jack let himself into Ianto's flat, closing the door behind him and locking it before looking around. He saw movement in the kitchen, so he automatically went for that. "Alright," he called out, making his way down the hallway, taking off his coat and tossing it over the back of a chair in the living room as he went, "you asked me over, so here I am."
He stepped into the kitchen, observing Ianto where he sat at the table, and Sulu where he stood making tea. "This really couldn't have been said in a phone call? Not that I don't like seeing you, but. 'I need to talk to you' and 'I need to do it in person' are never a good sign."
Ianto bit his lip, motioning for Jack to take a seat next to him. "No, I... I don't think it could. I'm not. I'm not sure over the phone is exactly the way for you to find out."
Jack's eyes narrowed. "Find out? What do you mean, find out?" Ianto paused in answering him, and so Jack looked between Ianto and Sulu, noticing the way that Sulu was acting obviously meant that whatever it was that Ianto wanted to say, the other man already knew. "Alright, Ianto. What's going on? You're worrying me, here."
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He didn't want to step in or say anything, but it was clear that Ianto wasn't going to be saying anything without a gentle nudge or something, and so Sulu sat himself down in one of the chairs and nudged his leg with his foot, giving him a firm look to get it over with.
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"Nothing's... Nothing's 'going on'. Well. Nothing that hasn't been for a while now. I mean. Nothing new. Well. No. Alright, there are some new things, but--"
"Ianto," Jack said, cutting him off of his rambling, "what's going on?"
"I'm sick, Jack," Ianto blurted out, wincing. "I know that you know that, but. I haven't been exactly all that honest with you. About my recovery. And. Well. And about how it's going. Because I didn't want to make you angry, but. I... I can't walk anymore without passing out, so. I mean, it's not like I really have that much of a choice, anymore. I have to--"
"You what?" Jack asked, cutting him off again.
"I've..." Ianto swallowed. "I've... I've been passing out. Every time I try to walk. I mean. I've been dizzy, before. But it's never been as bad as this. I didn't... I had hoped that it was all in my head. That I was just taking a really long time to get better, that that's why it seemed like I was getting worse, but then today..."
Jack's eyes widened, his hands gripping the table, knuckles white as he shook his head, looking at Ianto in disbelief. He felt a chasm opening up in his chest, and his heart slowly sinking down into it with each word that Ianto said, listening to him stumbling through his explanation, his stomach starting to fill with lead. "...you. You've been lying about this? The whole time?" he asked, his voice soft, incredulous.
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Still. He knew he had to say something, he just didn't know what. He chewed his lip for a moment before deciding to try and help Jack at least understand that, as bad as this was, it wasn't the end of everything. Ianto wasn't dying all over again, and there was something they could do to fix it. "He passed out on me when we went to come downstairs. I'm going to talk to McCoy and see if he can't help, now that we know there's something that needs helping." He could only hope that, for all of Jack's anger, he would realize that Sulu understood how he felt. The last thing he thought Jack needed at this point was to feel alone.
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Ianto bit his lip. "I... I didn't think it would get worse," he said quietly.
Jack shook his head in disbelief. "All of those times I came in to check up on you, ask you how you were doing. You lied. You lied every single time."
Ianto wanted nothing more than to just sink back in his chair and vanish into thin air. "...I didn't want to worry you," he said. "I've been ill a lot, recently. I. In case this was the end, I. I didn't want you to be upset about what was happening to me."
"...you're feeling like you're going to pass out every time you stand up, and you didn't tell us?" Jack spat at Ianto, the fear that he had for the fact that this was bad, this was really bad, morphing into an intense rage. "What else are you keeping from us, Ianto?!" he raged.
Ianto shook his head. "I...what? I'm not..."
Jack stood up abruptly, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. "Like hell I believe that, Ianto, I know you!" He shook his head, almost forgetting that Sulu was there with them at all. "You're using me, Ianto! You're using me again! And this time Lisa's not around as a convenient scapegoat for your lying, now is she?!"
Ianto took in a quick breath, the flippant mention of her name cutting deep. "You leave her out of his, Jack!" he said, sharply.
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That wasn't going to help. And what was more - Jack's exclamation, that Ianto was using him, just didn't make sense. Though he found himself wondering, what if Ianto was hiding more from them, what if there was more he wasn't telling them - he couldn't think like that. He couldn't imagine Ianto keeping anything else, not after how upset he'd been about this situation itself and how guilty he felt. Sulu was far too optimistic to think anything less of the other man.
"Jack," Sulu said instead, tone firm, "He's not lying about anything else. This is all he has to lie about. He hasn't even been outside, how could he have anything else to hide?" Sulu realized that was harsh, and maybe it would sting for Ianto, but he couldn't help it. It was the truth. He could only hope it was all true, even the part about him not hiding anything else. "I know you're pissed, believe me, but don't lash out in anger."
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"Jack, please," Ianto said. "I... No. It's not like that. I. I mean, I lied to you about this, but. Not. Only this, I... I swear."
"Give me one good reason why I should believe you, Ianto," Jack said. "Give me one good reason why you would hide something like this from us."
"I..." Ianto stuttered. "I didn't want to worry you."
"So you were going to let yourself die instead?" Jack spat. "God, Ianto. I know you're sick, but you're not stupid. Why in the hell did you even think that keeping this from us would have been a good idea? You... Don't you even care about us at all? About me? Or was that a lie, too...?"
"Jack," Ianto ground out, chewing his lip, his eyebrows furrowing as Jack's words cut deep. "You're... You're not being fair."
"I'm not being fair?!" Jack exclaimed. "You weren't even going to tell us, were you?! You were just going to let it all happen, and then if we came here to find you dead again, at least we had this one month where we were fooled into thinking that everything was going to be okay. Is that what you thought? Is it?!"
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The fact was that Ianto was sick and they needed to fix it. He had known Jack wouldn't be able to hold back from saying anything to Ianto, but he had hoped the other man would have held back from lashing out. "Pride and fear can keep you from telling people all sorts of things, even if they're people you care about, and while I am in all honesty on your side here, yelling at him isn't going to help." In fact, it might make things worse. He didn't want that, and he knew Jack didn't either.
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"Well, what do you think is going to help, then, hm?" he asked, turning to pin his narrowed eyes on Sulu. "What am I supposed to do in a situation like this? I'd give up anything to keep him alive, and he's just going to throw that away because he doesn't want me to be upset about him? How am I supposed to react? Because from the way I see it, that's something that I have a right to be angry about. And if you really do feel the same way, then don't tell me that you aren't angry too."
He turned on Ianto. "What if you'd passed out on the stairs? What if we came back and found you gone because of something involved in this? Do you really think that that would be the better option, rather than just letting us know? Do you really think that?"
Ianto stayed quiet for a moment, lowering his eyes to the mug of tea on the table in front of him that he desperately wished he could just drink and make all of this bad stuff go away. "...no," he said, after a moment, honestly. "I... I don't. I just," he said, raising his head to look at both of them, "I didn't know how to tell you..."
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Sulu looked at Ianto as he spoke, his expression softening and, all right, Ianto was the one person in the universe Sulu couldn't imagine being angry at for long. He knew he was still upset and that it'd come back as soon as he looked away from the other man, but... it was hard to want to take it out on him. He looked back at Jack and gestured slightly, as if he could point to the entire situation they'd found themselves in.
"There's nothing I wouldn't do to help Ianto, either, Jack." He realized his voice was tight, and he forced himself to take a breath before continuing, looking back to Ianto, unable to keep all of the distress he was feeling out of his expression. "And you know that - we'd both do anything for you."
Looking at Jack once again, he said, abandoning all pretense of being good for the sake of being good, "I'm asking you to not yell because I don't know what'll happen if this turns into a real fight, and I don't want to deal with it on top of all this bullshit. " For all they knew, getting yelled at could upset Ianto to the point where he died from the shock alone. Not to mention, if Sulu kept struggling to hold everything in, it could come to blows.
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Ianto shut his eyes, taking in a shaky breath. "I... I don't know, Jack. I do trust you, though. I trust both of you. More than anyone. But, I..." He shook his head. "I... I don't know."
A muscle in Jack's jaw clenched, and his breathing picked up. He wanted to yell, he wanted to scream and rage at the other man, and ask him what the hell he thought he was doing, toying with him like that. But the fact of the matter was that he agreed with Sulu, at least to some extent. He didn't know what would happen if he made Ianto upset enough. So...he did the only thing he could think of.
"Fine," he said, tightly, angrily. "Fine. If... If that's how it's going to be, then fine." He took a step back from the table. "I can't do this. You can't keep doing this. Call me when you've figured it out. Then we'll talk." He turned on his heel and headed out towards the hallway.
"Jack!" Ianto called out, sounding every bit as upset with how things were going as he was.
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He put his hand on Ianto's shoulder briefly, giving it a squeeze. "I'm going to go talk to him. Don't worry." He knew that would be impossible, but he had to say it. Ianto had tea that would help, at least. Sulu... was going to deal with this the best way he knew how.
Following Jack down the hall, he jogged a bit to catch up with him, and then passed him just enough to grab the greatcoat from the chair it had been left on. All right, so maybe this wasn't his best way to deal with it, but it was all he could come up with to keep Jack from leaving. "Running away isn't going to help, Jack." His voice was tight and clipped, but his expression revealed much more of his emotionally turbulent state.
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Jack glared at Sulu, wishing that he'd thought to leave his coat on so that the other man wouldn't be able to keep him like this. "First you don't want me to be angry, and now you don't want me to leave. You know what? All of this trying to dictate how I can and cannot react is really starting to piss me off," he said, his eyes narrowed. He held out a hand. "Give me back my coat, Lieutenant," he commanded, using the best authoritative tone that he could muster, at that moment.
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"I'm not telling you not to be angry. I can't do that when you have every right to be angry. We both have every right to be angry. Hell, we both are angry! But Ianto needs us despite this." Despite lying to them, despite wanting to hold this back so everyone could be happy, despite being so dumb as to think they would prefer not knowing, Ianto was the one person the two of them felt strongly enough about to go through this for. And they would do anything for him - for Sulu, that included tolerating the lying until they could really discuss it. "He needs us, Jack, and I can't let you leave like this. I can't do this alone as it is, and if you leave right now..." He wasn't sure he'd be able to help Ianto out of whatever chasm he fell in because of it.
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Jack stepped closer to Sulu, lowering his voice, letting a little bit of his hurt rear its head above his anger for a moment. "He's done this before," Jack said, thrusting his hand in the direction of the kitchen as he spoke, his voice low but still forceful. "He's kept things, things that...that he should have let me know about. Serious issues, Sulu. And he told me that he'd change those times, too. What the hell am I supposed to do, here? How do I know that he's not lying again?"
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