torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

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[RL WITH SULU]

Ianto lay in his bed upstairs, a book laying face down on his chest. He had been trying to read for the better part of an hour, but had found himself drifting more often than not, and on the third read-through of the same page he'd given up and just put it down. And he'd been drifting since then as well, not really awake enough to be doing anything other than just lying there, not really tired enough to really go to sleep. More and more each day, while no one else was around, he found himself in this sort of a state, a sort of standby mode that was disturbing in the fact that it didn't really bother him. That nothing really bothered him anymore, because he really couldn't dredge up enough energy to be bothered about it.

He brought a hand up to his face, running it across his eyes. He...he couldn't keep lying to himself like this. At first he thought it had simply been his imagination, that things were just progressing slowly, that was all. For all that he had worried that things wouldn't get better, he had hoped that they would, Sulu continuously helping him be optimistic in that fact, and so the fact that he was going backwards, now, getting worse, it... It was crushing. And he had no idea what he was going to do about it. No idea. The even worse fact of the matter was that he was slowly convincing himself that there was nothing to do about it. That he'd never get better. That it was too late, and he couldn't do anything about it now even if he tried. Which was the mindset he kept spiraling down and dragging himself out of as it approached that time when Sulu would be making his appearance for the night.

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Ianto smiled at the comment about the coffee maker, sending a look over to it, smiling gently. "I think it's already jealous right now, as it is," he said, shaking his head. "I haven't been using it near as much, lately, and now here I am sitting and drinking tea in front of it. I suspect I'll have to talk it into working for me again, when I can finally put it to good use once more," he said, amused.

It's right, they were waiting for Jack. But Ianto tried not to focus on that, finding it easy to ignore because of the tea. "I'd like that, though," Ianto said. "I'm not really one for tea, but. If drinking this a bit more regularly helps keep me from be too depressing sometimes, I'll gladly drink a cup every couple of weeks, or something. I know how I can get, sometimes, after all. Anything that can help keep me from being as much of a downer as this does is definitely worth at least keeping in the books, if nothing else," he said, shrugging.

"It's all right, though. You've been doing better." Well. Ianto had been doing better, before the 456. But right now wasn't so bad an attempt at being happy either, even if the tea was playing a role in that. And hopefully, when he got better and was able to go out again, this sort of attitude would return in full force. He was depending on that hope, right now - that Ianto would be more optimistic when he got better, and that Ianto would get better at all.

"And really, it doesn't matter how depressing you are. I'm with you in spite of all that, you know." He smiled at Ianto. "I don't mind having to put in the extra work to make you feel better about yourself and life in general."

Ianto smiled down at the table, keeping his eyes low. "I don't really think you'd still be here with me at the moment if that weren't the case. You not minding about having to put in the extra work, I mean." Because, if...no, when he got better, that didn't mean that all of his moods would go away. He'd get a lot better, that was for sure. But...he'd still died. Things were going to be a little different form what they'd used to be, regardless, because of that.

He shook himself out of it, not wanting to focus on that too much. He'd liked how things had been going, before all of this had happened. Regardless of how inevitable it was, he didn't really want things to change all that much. He supposed it was up to them, though, in the long run. How the two of them dealt with it all.

...he realized belatedly that he'd fallen silent for a bit too long, and brought the mug up to drink a little more, laughing softly. "Sorry. Apparently this tea doesn't save you from introspection, I guess..." he said, smiling apologetically from over the mug, gripping it in both hands as he looked across at Sulu.

"You'd be surprised with how hard you are to resist, Ianto," Sulu said, coyly but truthfully. Ianto was more than just a bad mood away from being too much to handle, or anything like that. He was worth every moment of self-doubt and worry and frustration Sulu could possibly have over him.

"And no, it doesn't really. It just helps make the inward gaze a little less scrutinizing." Neither of them were safe from being caught in that trap right now, after everything that had happened, but at least it wasn't making the conversation any worse. "Just remember that everything is going to work out."

Ianto blushed at the initial statement, lowering his eyes to the table but smiling slightly at it nonetheless. He knew logically that there had to be some sort of reason why Sulu and Jack put up with him, and he didn't think it was just the Welsh charm or anything like that. He knew what he felt for the other two, as it were, and he knew that they felt something equally as strong back, so. It was almost overwhelming, to be the center of such attention as that. "I guess I must be doing something right, there," he said, shooting his own version of coy honesty back at the other man. "There's certainly something that's got to keep you putting up with me, and as nice as the suits are, I'll bet that that's not it," he said, with a smile.

At the mention to remember that it was all going to work out, though, Ianto nodded. "I... Yeah. I really hope it is," he said. "First thing's first though...is Jack." He took in a breath. "He's not going to take this very well. At all, really. I...I feel like I should apologize for him in advance, or something. He. He just gets worked up, is all. It makes him pretty hard to reason with, when he gets emotional, and everything..."

Sulu held up a hand, shaking his head. "You don't have to apologize for him. I know how he's going to react." After all, Sulu himself had felt irrational and angry when he'd found out. He'd also bring it up again later on, when things were better suited to serious conversations like that. But Jack... he knew Jack wouldn't give Ianto that sort of leeway. And he shouldn't. After everything that had happened between the two of them, the fact that Ianto still kept secrets from Jack was frankly mind-boggling. Sulu could understand why Ianto had thought it would be a good idea, but to know that Ianto loved Jack and still hid things when he probably knew it would be smarter to be upfront...

"One thing's for sure," Sulu said, frowning slightly as he looked at his tea. "We're going to have to work on your communication skills, because this sort of situation can't happen again. You can't do this to either of us."

Ianto blushed, ashamed this time, keeping his eyes low as Sulu spoke. He knew that Sulu was right, and he was expecting a more formal reprimanding on it later on, after he had gotten better, after he was out of the clear and the other man felt more comfortable with letting him know exactly what he'd done wrong in that situation. "I know," he said, quietly. "And...I am sorry. I really am. I... You have every right to join in with Jack, and I won't keep you from that, but. I do appreciate the fact that you've offered not to."

"I..." He sighed, idly turning his mug in his hands. "We'll talk about it. Later. After... After all of this. We'll...we'll figure it out. See what needs fixing. See what I can fix on my own, and what I might need help with. But... I know. It's not fair to either of you. And I'm sorry about that."

Sulu knew that Ianto was sorry, and he really didn't like the fact that he still felt the slightest bit angry with him, considering he'd decided already to hold off on scolding him until he was better. But it wasn't anything he could help; all he could do was stick to his word and worry about Jack's reaction more than his own. He didn't say it was okay, though. He didn't even acknowledge the apology; it was an honest one but Sulu didn't need it right now. Later, yes, but not now.

"We'll figure it out. It's not like you did this out of spite. You just..." Sulu sighed and smiled softly, a little sadly, reaching out to put a hand over Ianto's. "You need to realize that you don't have to do things on your own. Jack and I care about you, Ianto." More than Ianto probably would ever know, at least when it came to Sulu. "If you need help with something, if you're worried or upset about something, you can tell us. At the very least, tell us so we don't have to do this again."

Ianto moved, putting his other hand over-top Sulu's hand over his, keeping his eyes lowered, knowing that he'd more than messed up in this situation. "Yeah, I... I'll tell you. I'll try to change things. Fix things. I..." He swallowed. "I really didn't mean for things to get this bad. I. I don't know, I wasn't thinking straight. I couldn't think straight, I..."

And that's when he heard it, a car door outside the front of his flat. He wasn't sure where the car had come from that Jack had been driving, but then again Jack probably owned cars, owned flats and houses that he just never used because he'd lived at the Hub, had the SUV, not needed the connection to the outside ever since he'd taken over Torchwood Three. Ianto tensed, bringing his eyes up to look at Sulu across the table. "...shit," he said, softly. "I... I'm not ready for this. I'm really not ready for this..."

Sulu's hand tightened over Ianto's, squeezing reassuringly. "I know," he said, "I know you aren't, but the sooner he finds out, the easier it'll be for everyone. I won't feel comfortable carting you up to the Enterprise without him knowing about it." He wondered if he should go get the door for Jack - then he realized he probably had a key. It would make the most sense, really.

Still. Was there any way he could prepare Jack for this, so that maybe they could keep him from becoming too upset too quickly? He couldn't think of anything. The fact that Ianto was going to be telling him instead of fainting on him first would be a step up, at least. With a sigh, Sulu took up both of their mugs and stood, moving back to the kettle. "I'll fill your cup up. You'll probably need it."

Ianto nodded, listening as Jack made his way to the door, the keys jingling as he pulled them out of his pocket to unlock it. "Yeah, thanks," he said, quietly. He knew that he needed to tell Jack. He wouldn't be comfortable just up and disappearing on him without telling him what was going on, especially not... Especially if things didn't work out in his favor. If they got worse before they got better. Still, though. He wished that it wasn't going to be as difficult to do as he knew that it was.

Jack let himself into Ianto's flat, closing the door behind him and locking it before looking around. He saw movement in the kitchen, so he automatically went for that. "Alright," he called out, making his way down the hallway, taking off his coat and tossing it over the back of a chair in the living room as he went, "you asked me over, so here I am."

He stepped into the kitchen, observing Ianto where he sat at the table, and Sulu where he stood making tea. "This really couldn't have been said in a phone call? Not that I don't like seeing you, but. 'I need to talk to you' and 'I need to do it in person' are never a good sign."

Ianto bit his lip, motioning for Jack to take a seat next to him. "No, I... I don't think it could. I'm not. I'm not sure over the phone is exactly the way for you to find out."

Jack's eyes narrowed. "Find out? What do you mean, find out?" Ianto paused in answering him, and so Jack looked between Ianto and Sulu, noticing the way that Sulu was acting obviously meant that whatever it was that Ianto wanted to say, the other man already knew. "Alright, Ianto. What's going on? You're worrying me, here."

Definitely not off to a good start. He understood that Ianto was nervous, worried about how Jack was going to take the news that he wasn't better, that he was getting worse, but stalling wasn't going to make anything easier. He sighed and shook his head, picking up Ianto's mug and putting it in front of the other man, looking at Jack briefly with a sort of sympathetically annoyed face that indicated he was definitely not liking this any more than Jack was.

He didn't want to step in or say anything, but it was clear that Ianto wasn't going to be saying anything without a gentle nudge or something, and so Sulu sat himself down in one of the chairs and nudged his leg with his foot, giving him a firm look to get it over with.

Ianto saw the look that Sulu sent him, registering both it and the nudge as a, well, a nudge to get on with it. He knew that he wasn't helping anything by stalling like he was, but. He hadn't been kidding when he'd told Sulu that he really didn't want to do this, that he wasn't ready. That he had absolutely no idea how to break the news to Jack, and certainly not in any good way.

"Nothing's... Nothing's 'going on'. Well. Nothing that hasn't been for a while now. I mean. Nothing new. Well. No. Alright, there are some new things, but--"

"Ianto," Jack said, cutting him off of his rambling, "what's going on?"

"I'm sick, Jack," Ianto blurted out, wincing. "I know that you know that, but. I haven't been exactly all that honest with you. About my recovery. And. Well. And about how it's going. Because I didn't want to make you angry, but. I... I can't walk anymore without passing out, so. I mean, it's not like I really have that much of a choice, anymore. I have to--"

"You what?" Jack asked, cutting him off again.

"I've..." Ianto swallowed. "I've... I've been passing out. Every time I try to walk. I mean. I've been dizzy, before. But it's never been as bad as this. I didn't... I had hoped that it was all in my head. That I was just taking a really long time to get better, that that's why it seemed like I was getting worse, but then today..."

Jack's eyes widened, his hands gripping the table, knuckles white as he shook his head, looking at Ianto in disbelief. He felt a chasm opening up in his chest, and his heart slowly sinking down into it with each word that Ianto said, listening to him stumbling through his explanation, his stomach starting to fill with lead. "...you. You've been lying about this? The whole time?" he asked, his voice soft, incredulous.

Sulu realized that maybe he should have said something to help move the conversation for Ianto, to make it easier for him, but... A part of him admittedly thought that Ianto deserved this sort of situation. He couldn't help it; Ianto had lied to him as well, and he hadn't had time to properly argue about it when it had happened. Jack, however... Jack had every reason to be upset, and he wasn't dealing with Ianto passing out on him at the time, so he could properly react to it.

Still. He knew he had to say something, he just didn't know what. He chewed his lip for a moment before deciding to try and help Jack at least understand that, as bad as this was, it wasn't the end of everything. Ianto wasn't dying all over again, and there was something they could do to fix it. "He passed out on me when we went to come downstairs. I'm going to talk to McCoy and see if he can't help, now that we know there's something that needs helping." He could only hope that, for all of Jack's anger, he would realize that Sulu understood how he felt. The last thing he thought Jack needed at this point was to feel alone.

Jack turned his head to look at Sulu as he spoke, but he whirled on Ianto before Sulu'd even finished, almost not hearing the latter half of what the other man was saying because of what the first few words had been. "You knew that you'd been unsteady on your feet, and you were trying to go down the stairs?" he asked, his voice starting to fill with anger.

Ianto bit his lip. "I... I didn't think it would get worse," he said quietly.

Jack shook his head in disbelief. "All of those times I came in to check up on you, ask you how you were doing. You lied. You lied every single time."

Ianto wanted nothing more than to just sink back in his chair and vanish into thin air. "...I didn't want to worry you," he said. "I've been ill a lot, recently. I. In case this was the end, I. I didn't want you to be upset about what was happening to me."

"...you're feeling like you're going to pass out every time you stand up, and you didn't tell us?" Jack spat at Ianto, the fear that he had for the fact that this was bad, this was really bad, morphing into an intense rage. "What else are you keeping from us, Ianto?!" he raged.

Ianto shook his head. "I...what? I'm not..."

Jack stood up abruptly, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. "Like hell I believe that, Ianto, I know you!" He shook his head, almost forgetting that Sulu was there with them at all. "You're using me, Ianto! You're using me again! And this time Lisa's not around as a convenient scapegoat for your lying, now is she?!"

Ianto took in a quick breath, the flippant mention of her name cutting deep. "You leave her out of his, Jack!" he said, sharply.

When Jack stood, Sulu shifted as though he might get up as well, but he stayed seated. There was that name again, Lisa. He knew only the vaguest things when it came to whoever Lisa was, and he was more and more sure with every passing mention that he didn't want to know. Not now, definitely. And he also could tell that this wasn't the same as that situation, whatever it had been, and that it wasn't worry but anger that was making Jack bring her up.

That wasn't going to help. And what was more - Jack's exclamation, that Ianto was using him, just didn't make sense. Though he found himself wondering, what if Ianto was hiding more from them, what if there was more he wasn't telling them - he couldn't think like that. He couldn't imagine Ianto keeping anything else, not after how upset he'd been about this situation itself and how guilty he felt. Sulu was far too optimistic to think anything less of the other man.

"Jack," Sulu said instead, tone firm, "He's not lying about anything else. This is all he has to lie about. He hasn't even been outside, how could he have anything else to hide?" Sulu realized that was harsh, and maybe it would sting for Ianto, but he couldn't help it. It was the truth. He could only hope it was all true, even the part about him not hiding anything else. "I know you're pissed, believe me, but don't lash out in anger."

"Like hell I'm just going to let this slide, Sulu!" Jack exclaimed, turning his anger on the other man there as well. "He's keeping himself from us! He's hiding and thinking about how this is going to be the end, and I'm supposed to just let it slide?! He knows that we would do anything for him, that we would find any sort of a cure to keep him here. Why the hell would you keep us from helping you, Ianto?" He turned, banging a fist against the wall. "After all this time, I thought that you'd changed. That you'd gotten more honest with me. But you were just conning me the whole way, weren't you?"

"Jack, please," Ianto said. "I... No. It's not like that. I. I mean, I lied to you about this, but. Not. Only this, I... I swear."

"Give me one good reason why I should believe you, Ianto," Jack said. "Give me one good reason why you would hide something like this from us."

"I..." Ianto stuttered. "I didn't want to worry you."

"So you were going to let yourself die instead?" Jack spat. "God, Ianto. I know you're sick, but you're not stupid. Why in the hell did you even think that keeping this from us would have been a good idea? You... Don't you even care about us at all? About me? Or was that a lie, too...?"

"Jack," Ianto ground out, chewing his lip, his eyebrows furrowing as Jack's words cut deep. "You're... You're not being fair."

"I'm not being fair?!" Jack exclaimed. "You weren't even going to tell us, were you?! You were just going to let it all happen, and then if we came here to find you dead again, at least we had this one month where we were fooled into thinking that everything was going to be okay. Is that what you thought? Is it?!"

"Jack," Sulu said sharply, pushing his own chair out, standing himself now because yes, Ianto had messed up, he'd screwed up badly and honestly Sulu agreed with a lot of what Jack was saying, but screaming at him wasn't going to help and most importantly, Ianto wasn't pretending to care about either of them. He had been doing the one thing he thought would be best for them. It hadn't been, and it showed how naive Ianto really was when it came to this sort of thing, but still, it hadn't been done out of spite.

The fact was that Ianto was sick and they needed to fix it. He had known Jack wouldn't be able to hold back from saying anything to Ianto, but he had hoped the other man would have held back from lashing out. "Pride and fear can keep you from telling people all sorts of things, even if they're people you care about, and while I am in all honesty on your side here, yelling at him isn't going to help." In fact, it might make things worse. He didn't want that, and he knew Jack didn't either.

Ianto shrunk into his chair as much as he could, especially when Sulu admitted to agreeing with Jack on the matter at hand. Sure, he knew that Sulu wasn't happy with him, but when he agreed with Jack aloud, it definitely was a lot worse than just knowing, because now he had audible proof of it all. Still, it was Ianto's turn to fall quiet as Jack raged it out.

"Well, what do you think is going to help, then, hm?" he asked, turning to pin his narrowed eyes on Sulu. "What am I supposed to do in a situation like this? I'd give up anything to keep him alive, and he's just going to throw that away because he doesn't want me to be upset about him? How am I supposed to react? Because from the way I see it, that's something that I have a right to be angry about. And if you really do feel the same way, then don't tell me that you aren't angry too."

He turned on Ianto. "What if you'd passed out on the stairs? What if we came back and found you gone because of something involved in this? Do you really think that that would be the better option, rather than just letting us know? Do you really think that?"

Ianto stayed quiet for a moment, lowering his eyes to the mug of tea on the table in front of him that he desperately wished he could just drink and make all of this bad stuff go away. "...no," he said, after a moment, honestly. "I... I don't. I just," he said, raising his head to look at both of them, "I didn't know how to tell you..."

Edited 2010-12-06 09:52 (UTC)

"I am angry," Sulu snapped, "Of course I'm angry, and I'm hurt, but more than that I want to help Ianto." He wasn't above shouting, but he held back as he spoke to Jack because shouting didn't get your point across. The more he listened to Jack, the more upset he felt, and he'd promised he would wait, and so damn it, he would wait.

Sulu looked at Ianto as he spoke, his expression softening and, all right, Ianto was the one person in the universe Sulu couldn't imagine being angry at for long. He knew he was still upset and that it'd come back as soon as he looked away from the other man, but... it was hard to want to take it out on him. He looked back at Jack and gestured slightly, as if he could point to the entire situation they'd found themselves in.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do to help Ianto, either, Jack." He realized his voice was tight, and he forced himself to take a breath before continuing, looking back to Ianto, unable to keep all of the distress he was feeling out of his expression. "And you know that - we'd both do anything for you."

Looking at Jack once again, he said, abandoning all pretense of being good for the sake of being good, "I'm asking you to not yell because I don't know what'll happen if this turns into a real fight, and I don't want to deal with it on top of all this bullshit. " For all they knew, getting yelled at could upset Ianto to the point where he died from the shock alone. Not to mention, if Sulu kept struggling to hold everything in, it could come to blows.

Jack was angry. And when Jack got angry, it became very hard for anyone to rationalize with him. And it was true, he didn't want to hurt Ianto, not really, he didn't want to make things worse. But... "I can't just stand back and let you do this to yourself," he said, staring down at Ianto, looking every bit as hurt and betrayed by the fact that he hadn't been trusted with this information before then as he felt. "Every time, Ianto, you do this every single time! What do I have to do, what do either of us have to do in order for you to trust us? Because hell, I'll do it. I'll do it right now if you want me to. Why is it so difficult for you to get that?"

Ianto shut his eyes, taking in a shaky breath. "I... I don't know, Jack. I do trust you, though. I trust both of you. More than anyone. But, I..." He shook his head. "I... I don't know."

A muscle in Jack's jaw clenched, and his breathing picked up. He wanted to yell, he wanted to scream and rage at the other man, and ask him what the hell he thought he was doing, toying with him like that. But the fact of the matter was that he agreed with Sulu, at least to some extent. He didn't know what would happen if he made Ianto upset enough. So...he did the only thing he could think of.

"Fine," he said, tightly, angrily. "Fine. If... If that's how it's going to be, then fine." He took a step back from the table. "I can't do this. You can't keep doing this. Call me when you've figured it out. Then we'll talk." He turned on his heel and headed out towards the hallway.

"Jack!" Ianto called out, sounding every bit as upset with how things were going as he was.

Sulu ran his hands over his face as Jack left the kitchen, groaning quietly in frustration. He'd known this would be hard for Jack and really, he didn't think he was completely out of line here, but all the same, this wasn't how you solved problems like this. No wonder their communication was such crap, he thought.

He put his hand on Ianto's shoulder briefly, giving it a squeeze. "I'm going to go talk to him. Don't worry." He knew that would be impossible, but he had to say it. Ianto had tea that would help, at least. Sulu... was going to deal with this the best way he knew how.

Following Jack down the hall, he jogged a bit to catch up with him, and then passed him just enough to grab the greatcoat from the chair it had been left on. All right, so maybe this wasn't his best way to deal with it, but it was all he could come up with to keep Jack from leaving. "Running away isn't going to help, Jack." His voice was tight and clipped, but his expression revealed much more of his emotionally turbulent state.

Ianto wanted nothing more than to get up and follow the other man into the other room, to chase after Jack and make him see that it wasn't like that. He... He wasn't like that, he hadn't meant it like that, he would change, really he would, he just... Groaning, Ianto put his head in his hands. He was going to have to let Sulu take care of this, seeing as how he physically couldn't go after them. He was going to have to make Sulu do yet another thing for him, and he hated that he was so dependent on everyone else at that moment, but he really didn't have a choice, he just didn't. So he sat there, and waited.

Jack glared at Sulu, wishing that he'd thought to leave his coat on so that the other man wouldn't be able to keep him like this. "First you don't want me to be angry, and now you don't want me to leave. You know what? All of this trying to dictate how I can and cannot react is really starting to piss me off," he said, his eyes narrowed. He held out a hand. "Give me back my coat, Lieutenant," he commanded, using the best authoritative tone that he could muster, at that moment.

Sulu didn't even think to inform Jack that he wasn't his captain and couldn't order him around like that, but he also didn't think to give his coat back. Jack was commanding even at his worse, but Sulu's loyalties still lay with Ianto, despite everything that had happened. He held on to the coat and instead fixed Jack with an irritated glare.

"I'm not telling you not to be angry. I can't do that when you have every right to be angry. We both have every right to be angry. Hell, we both are angry! But Ianto needs us despite this." Despite lying to them, despite wanting to hold this back so everyone could be happy, despite being so dumb as to think they would prefer not knowing, Ianto was the one person the two of them felt strongly enough about to go through this for. And they would do anything for him - for Sulu, that included tolerating the lying until they could really discuss it. "He needs us, Jack, and I can't let you leave like this. I can't do this alone as it is, and if you leave right now..." He wasn't sure he'd be able to help Ianto out of whatever chasm he fell in because of it.

A muscle in Jack's jaw twitched as he glared right back at Sulu, taking in a sharp, shaky, irritated breath and letting it out again. He hated the fact that Sulu was starting to make him feel guilty about what he wanted nothing more than to be able to do--just run away and leave this situation to someone who was better prepared to deal with it, better tempered to deal with it. He hated that every time Sulu said he couldn't do something alone, Jack knew that it was the truth, and that he couldn't just leave the other man hanging like this. That he owed as much to Sulu as he did to Ianto, in that moment. It frustrated him beyond measure.

Jack stepped closer to Sulu, lowering his voice, letting a little bit of his hurt rear its head above his anger for a moment. "He's done this before," Jack said, thrusting his hand in the direction of the kitchen as he spoke, his voice low but still forceful. "He's kept things, things that...that he should have let me know about. Serious issues, Sulu. And he told me that he'd change those times, too. What the hell am I supposed to do, here? How do I know that he's not lying again?"

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