torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

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[RL WITH SULU]

It'd been a week. A week since that first day that he'd come back from the hospital, and Sulu had had to help him around his flat. A week, most of which he'd spent in a sort of semi-conscious, fatigued and weary state, shuffling about trying to get the necessary things done, but only just succeeding. As Ianto sat on the edge of his bed, just having gotten up from what had been his second nap of the day, and not feeling any better after having taken it, the world spinning around him from having sat up too fast, even though he'd paced himself and been extra careful not to, Ianto had the sinking feeling that in that whole week, he hadn't gotten better at all. Sulu had stuck around until his leave had been up, like he said he would, and then once he'd left, Jack had popped in a few times during the day to help out with chores (he was surprisingly good at doing the dishes and the laundry) and then at night to lie with him (even if Jack didn't sleep and Ianto felt like he was wasting the other man's time). And yet. In that whole week, nothing had changed. Nothing had gotten better. And Ianto was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired, and Jack was great to have around, but. He didn't really understand what it was like to be ill, and sometimes that wore on Ianto even more than not having him around at all.

And now, as the sun was setting, and Jack was off on a sudden call to London, Gwen doing god knows what with Rhys, Ianto wasn't about to disturb their peace, it was all starting to get at Ianto. The darkness was creeping in, and he was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't getting better at all. That maybe he'd never get better. Maybe this was how things would be, from now on. Maybe the darkness really would come for him, because it didn't seem like it would ever really let him go again, and Ianto swallowed against the swell of panic rising in his stomach. He... He couldn't do this. He knew that he didn't want to bother Sulu. That he had specifically refrained from calling him out of the blue for anything since he'd left to go back to his ship, instead waiting for Sulu himself to make the first contact, but. He. He really needed someone there with him. Someone real. Someone who understood and could chase the demons away like he promised he would. And so Ianto did the only thing that he could think of to help, and pulled out his phone to dial the number to Sulu's comm.

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Sulu nodded, smiling. It would be strange to work with a different bridge shift for a while, but he wasn't afraid of it. He knew all of the navigators and got on with them well enough - and who knew, if he asked, Chekov might switch with him as well. And it wouldn't be permanent. He knew that Ianto was going to get better - he had to - and so it wasn't as though he would be changing his entire group of friends and colleagues for the rest of the voyage.

...And even if he did, he knew it would be worth it. "I would. I don't want to leave you alone when you might need me the most, like I've done today. It's not that hard to do, not with Jim at least." He paused, frowning, biting his lip a moment before asking, "I mean, would that - me coming over at night. You'd be okay with that?" Even though he felt he knew the answer, after the way he'd acted today he wasn't quite sure.

Ianto wasn't sure what to make of that, really. He wasn't used to people going out of their way to do things for him. Well, no. He wasn't used to knowing about people going out of their way to do things for him. Especially things that he would really appreciate a lot, like Sulu being able to spend nights with him. "Yeah. I... Of course I'd be okay with that. Would. I mean, would you be okay with that? I mean. I'm not sure that I..." He ducked his head. "I could stay with you sometimes, too, if you like. I just..."

Ianto was honestly surprised that he had enough blood flow to his face in order to blush, but apparently he did. "I mean. I'd like that. More than any other option so far, but. I. I don't want you to have to go so far out of your way on my account... And. I mean. You're probably going to have to explain everything to Jim." Assuming he hadn't already. Ianto didn't actually know. He hadn't mentioned it, and Jim hadn't seemed to recognize who Ianto himself was as of yet, so. He was willing to bet that Sulu hadn't.

Edited 2010-11-19 06:05 (UTC)

Sulu felt inexplicably ashamed at himself at Ianto's reaction. The fact that he was willing to do this for Ianto was, okay, a big step in his own life, but he wished that he had been more open and more accomodating for Ianto before now. It felt bad, to know that Ianto was surprised at the things he'd do for him, because he knew it meant he simply hadn't done enough yet to prove how much he cared for the other man. And since the words stuck in his throat, how the hell else was he supposed to show it? He hadn't done a very good job so far, though, and that was a depressing thought.

"I'd be fine with it," he said quietly, trying not to sound as guilty as he felt, "I'll explain enough to Jim to prove that it's important to me, and he's a good man. He'll understand that it's only temporary. I know the rest of the helm crew enough to be able to integrate into a different shift. If you want me to do it, Ianto, consider it done."

Ianto turned his gaze back up to Sulu, pulling back even further to look at him properly in the eyes once more, shaking his head. "No," he said, firmly. "You're not going to do this because I want you to. It doesn't matter if you're fine with it. You need to want to do this too, or..." He bit his lip, frowning at Sulu. "I won't let you make sacrifices for me that you're only 'fine with' making, Sulu. You...you have to want it too..."

Ianto trailed off, sitting up a little straighter, not leaning on Sulu as much because frankly. He was embarrassed with how forceful that had come out of his mouth. Not that it wasn't true, every single word of it was, and yet. He hoped that he hadn't been too harsh. That was all he needed. Making the other man feel guilty about his job, having him come out of his way to come down and spend time with him only to cry on him and then order him around. Ianto felt awkward with just about everything in that moment, and he didn't really like that. He wanted to have the other man around, but. If Sulu didn't want to be there, if he was just there because he thought he should be, then. Then Ianto would rather he just leave.

Sulu was also surprised at Ianto's forcefulness, but he didn't find it too harsh. The tone, yes, but he knew what Ianto was saying, he understood what he meant and why he was saying it. So, he just smiled a little, wryly, and shook his head. Tilting his head a bit, he raised a brow and said, "Ianto, I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to do it. I don't want to leave you alone at night, not if it's when you feel the worst, and I want to be around you, period. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind about this."

It really wouldn't be too much of a change, at any rate. Jim was still around during shifts, and if he wasn't, Spock was around, so it wouldn't be so bad. His people knew him, appreciated him enough to know that he never did things on the fly, and it would be a smooth transition back and forth. "I told you earlier. I'll do anything for you, all right? Shifting my schedule around is the least I can do for you, Ianto."

"Ah. Well. Alright, then," Ianto said, hoping he didn't sound as awkward as he felt in that moment. He...he really liked that Sulu said things like that, it made him feel good about himself, made him feel appreciated, but. He wasn't quite sure how to handle it yet. So he blushed, keeping his eyes averted, but leaning back against the other man, back against his warmth and reassurance. "If... If you're sure that you'd want to do that, then. I... I'd really appreciate it if you could."

He fell silent for a moment, before adding to that statement. "You'd have to share with Jack sometimes, too. He swings by during the night. I... It'd be nice to have someone around that would actually sleep while I was sleeping too, though. Not... Not that I don't appreciate Jack being there for me. I do, but." Ianto turned his head so that his cheek was pressed against Sulu's shoulder. "Well. You spent some time with him, while..." Ianto still didn't really like admitting to the fact that he'd been dead, so he trailed off, before picking up after that thought. "You must be at least semi aware of what his sleeping pattern is like." Or lack thereof, which might be a bit more accurate about Jack. Ianto was a pretty deep sleeper, and Jack even woke him up sometimes, milling about the room at night. Not recently, with how tired he'd been as of late, but. Generally speaking, that was usually how things worked out.

"I'm sure. I'll talk to Jim when I get back on board." He made a mental note to try and gloss over the story as much as possible; even though he doubted Jim would really care about him having a relationship with someone in a different world, let alone a different century, he was still a private enough person to want to keep some of the more scandalous facts off the record. For now, at least.

Smiling ruefully, Sulu nodded, making an affirmative noise as Ianto mentioned Jack's sleeping habits. He didn't want to think much about the time they'd been together, when Ianto had been dead, but it was true. He had some idea of how little Jack slept; even then, he'd felt like he'd been forcing the other to sleep more than he'd probably slept in the last twenty years. "Yeah, I have an idea. And it'll be okay sharing you with him," he said with a small laugh, "We crashed together on my tiny bed enough that it won't be awkward, don't worry."

Ianto raised his head to turn and raise an eyebrow at Sulu, blushing despite himself. He knew that Sulu and Jack had been keeping each other company while...while he hadn't been there, but. He hadn't known that they had spent that time being quite close enough with each other to be sharing the same bed. And Ianto knew the size of Sulu's bed. They would have had to get pretty cozy with each other, in order for them both to fit. Jack was even broader in the shoulders than Ianto was, after all.

"Yes, well. I... My bed here is a bit bigger than yours in your cabin, so. Besides, I. I think I'd probably end up being in the middle anyway, so. You'll be spared any unwanted spooning with Jack, as it were." It wasn't until the words were out of his mouth that he realized how...really awkward that sounded. Especially the bit about him being in the middle, especially considering his comment a while back about wanting Jack and Sulu to share him in every sense of the word. Ianto blushed deeply. "I--I just. I mean that, rather, you and Jack--"

But Ianto was spared any further embarrassment by the vibrating of his mobile in his pocket. He shifted to dig it out before looking down, frowning at the caller ID when it read John Watson, who could really only be calling about one thing. One thing that he really didn't want to be discussing in front of Sulu. He shifted on the sofa, pulling out from under Sulu's arm, clutching the blankets around his shoulders as he struggled into a standing position. "I... It's John. I... I'll be back, I just have to..." He trailed off, turning and sending Sulu an apologetic look, before moving to make his way carefully up the stairs and out of hearing range.

Sulu had realized fairly quickly that he'd said something a little awkward just then, but when Ianto started to blush and stammer, he couldn't help but smile. This was something... normal. He could handle this. And Ianto didn't sound exactly upset about the idea of them sleeping in the same bed, just... surprised, and flustered. Definitely flustered.

He had been about to respond when Ianto's phone rang; he shifted as Ianto stood, nodding slowly at his explanation. "It's fine," he said, even though he had to admit, he was a little surprised that Ianto was so quick to leave him when John called. It was about his health, though, and there was a sort of confidence between patients and their doctors that prompted people to talk privately, but still. He would have liked to know what was going on. But he wouldn't let that get to him. Ianto was his own person, and he was already very private; who knew what the two of them had to talk about, specifically. All he could do was wait; wait, and maybe move the lamp from the kitchen back into the living room. ...Yeah, that would keep him distracted from Ianto's sudden absence.

Ianto's phone call didn't last very long, but it didn't exactly put him in the best of moods either. The fact that John didn't really have an explanation for what was going on further cemented his fear that there was nothing to be done about any of it. It'd been why Ianto hadn't called John in the first place when he'd noticed that nothing was getting better there. Because he'd been afraid that John wouldn't know what to tell him. And he'd been right about it. Wearily, Ianto made his way back down the stairs, clutching the blanket closer to himself than he had when he'd ascended just minutes ago.

"Sorry," Ianto said, biting his lip and hoping that he didn't seem too obviously disheartened from the call. "He was just checking in on things. I... I didn't want to have to make you sit through a one-sided yes and no question game, so." He shrugged, before making his way back over to the couch, dropping himself heavily down into it and this time tucking his legs up underneath him, so that they'd fit under the blanket as well.

Sulu wasted no time in helping pull the blankets over Ianto, moving to take his hands up in his own. Ianto looked even more tired than he had before the phone call, and he had to wonder what they'd talked about. Still, Ianto's explanation was enough for him in that moment, considering all Sulu cared about was that Ianto was all right. (Well, as all right as he could be in that particular moment.)

"Don't worry about it," he said, rubbing Ianto's hands between his own. He was warmer, now, that was for sure, but Sulu didn't think it would hurt to have a little extra heat. "And, just so you know, there was nothing going on when Jack was staying with me. He barely slept, I was sleeping all the time..." He trailed off, then shifted to rest his head against Ianto's shoulder, closing his eyes as he murmured, "We just didn't have you around for support, so we had to make do."

A wave of guilt washed over Ianto and he twisted his hands in Sulu's to grasp them back, rather than just sitting there with them clenched in the other man's. True, they were still cold, but Sulu's efforts were making a difference, and once again, Ianto was really grateful that the man had come down to stay with him after his shift was over, that Ianto himself hadn't scared him away with his dark mood when he'd first shown up. Sulu...hadn't really mentioned the time when he'd been gone. Ianto had been able to tell that things had been bad, but. This was the first time that Sulu himself had really brought it up at all.

"Well, I'm here now though, yeah?" he said gently, turning to look down at Sulu, not being able to catch his eyes due to their positioning, but that didn't really matter. "I...may not be up to my usual standards, but. You can count on me to be here for you... I. I know that it couldn't have been easy on either of you, a situation like that."

Sulu didn't care that Ianto was still on the cool side, and he didn't care that this position really was a bit awkward for him; he felt comfortable despite the slight contortion he had to deal with, and Ianto was right. He was there now. He made a soft, affirming noise. "Yeah," he said softly, "You are, and I don't care what standards you're at. All that matters is that you're here now, and you're not going anywhere." And he wasn't. Sulu wasn't going to let him. Not again, not when he was watching Ianto so closely.

He tilted his head upright again, looking at Ianto. "It... It was hard. It was more than that, it... Neither of us were very good company for anyone but each other," he said finally, deciding that there was no way to explain it better than that. "And Jack might like to deal with things alone but... I couldn't let him. Otherwise, he would have run, and that would have been the end of it. But it doesn't matter, now," he finished, clearing his throat, "It's all over with. I'm not going to let you leave me alone with him again, Ianto Jones." He smiled at the other to show that, despite his playfully reprimanding tone, he was serious. He wasn't going to let anything happen to Ianto again. Not like that.

Ianto ran his thumb over the back of Sulu's hand clutched in his own, recognizing that Sulu really did mean what he said. And the strange thing was that Ianto trusted him in his words as well. They weren't just words, after all. Sulu had told him that he would do anything for him, and then he had, bringing him back from the dead, so. He couldn't get much more proof than that.

At the use of his full name, though, Ianto paused, biting his lip as he remembered a conversation that he'd had with Merlin what must have been only earlier that day, even though it seemed like it was ages ago. He lowered his head, tucking his chin to his chest as he contemplated exactly how to breach the subject, but then the words were tumbling out of his mouth before he could really formulate them into anything smoother. "...do you mind that I don't call you Hikaru?" he blurted, wincing at how out of the blue the question seemed to be, but there was no taking it back now that it was out in the open.

Sulu blinked at Ianto's question, surprised at it. "I... never really thought about it," he said honestly, sounding as surprised as he probably looked by the idea. Sulu wasn't sure, though, now that he thought about it. Did he mind? He had some reservations about people in general calling him by his first name, really; he never explored the reasoning for it, he just knew that sometimes it made him uncomfortable when people used his first name. His own crewmates generally refrained from it.

Recently, of course, it had become more common for the bridge to call him Hikaru - probably because of Chekov, really, or the fact that only Uhura really got the last name rights - but still. Claire, he realized, called him Hikaru, but she was a teenage girl and honestly, they didn't talk enough for it to be an issue. And Merlin called him Hikaru, but what was he supposed to do, tell him not to?

After a short pause, Sulu shook his head and then shrugged. "It doesn't bother me. Most of the time, I go by Sulu, so honestly it's a little strange when people call me Hikaru. Why?"

Ianto chewed his lip, a bit embarrassed that he'd asked in the first place, but at the same time...he really wanted to know what the answer was, anyway. At Sulu's question as to why he asked, it was Ianto's turn to shrug, although he did go on to explain himself. "It's just... I mean. I was talking to Merlin, earlier today, and. He calls you Hikaru. He asked me why I didn't, when I'm obviously pretty close to you and all, and...I didn't know what to say. I. You've never told me to refer to anything other than Sulu, so I just assumed. But then, he calls you it. And well. I saw Jim and Dr. McCoy using it a few times on their posts, so. I..."

Ianto trailed off, even more embarrassed than before. "I mean. It is your first name. I... I think it's pretty safe to say that we're close enough to each other for me to call you it, and yet. I... I don't. I... I don't even really think of you as, y'know, as 'Hikaru'. But. Merlin started asking those questions, and well. I...I started wondering if maybe I should. I don't know." He ducked his head further against his chest, so that hopefully Sulu wouldn't be able to catch the magnificent blush that was spreading across his face quite so easily, though honestly, it was probably a lost cause.

Edited 2010-11-19 10:08 (UTC)

Sulu smiled and nodded a bit, because really, he did understand why Ianto might want to call him Hikaru over Sulu. He also knew why he hesitated to do it. Truthfully, Sulu barely even thought of himself by his first name; he introduced himself by his full name only because it was what he was used to doing, not because he honestly expected people to use his first name. He wasn't really comfortable with strangers calling him Hikaru, but it wasn't something worth worrying about.

Ianto, however, seemed to be worrying about it. Which, really, was sort of what Ianto did best sometimes, so Sulu didn't mind it. "You're right," he said, "We're close enough for you to call me by my first name. But my name is 'Hikaru Sulu,' not one or the other." He did like how his first name sounded when Ianto said it, but that wasn't a reason to keep using it. "Do you want to switch to using my first name? I'm used to you calling me Sulu, but if you want to start using Hikaru instead, I don't have a problem with it. You can use whatever name you like."

"I..." Ianto said, trailing off, trying to find some way to organize his thoughts and explain himself. "I feel like I should be calling you Hikaru. I'm just. I'm not sure that I could switch over. It's...it's weird. I... To think of me talking to you and being like 'So, Hikaru, would you like some coffee prepared correctly this time, now that we've got milk,' I. It's just weird. I mean, you're used to me calling you Sulu, and I'm used to it too, but..."

He trailed off again, turning to look down at Sulu again. "You're really alright with the fact that I'm referring to you by your surname even though you...you've brought me back from the dead. You're offering to switch around your work schedule to spend time with me while...while I'm like this. I. I just want to make sure that, y'know. That this is alright, I guess is what I mean to say. That we're alright..." Not just about the name, but in all ways. As much as they could be, of course, considering.

Sulu leaned in and pressed a kiss to Ianto's jaw, knowing exactly what Ianto meant when he asked if everything was all right. He knew that he wasn't just asking about the name; he was asking about the work, the anxiety and the fear that seemed to punctuate their interactions lately, the fact that things weren't getting better as quickly as either of them had hoped. And, to him? It was all fine. Everything would be okay.

"Yeah, we're all right," he echoed. "And I really don't mind you calling me by my surname. I get called Sulu enough in my life to not really think of it as my last name, anyway." He shrugged; that was probably what he got for working in the military. "And you know that which name you use isn't what made me bring you back, or made me decide to switch around my schedule. Right?" He raised an eyebrow, questioning but really just plain amused, hoping to maybe get at least a bit of a smile out of Ianto.

Ianto snorted softly at Sulu's question and shifted to pull back and look at Sulu squarely, raising an eyebrow of his own at the other man. "No, I don't suppose that it was," he said dryly. He shifted one of his hands so that his fingers slid up Sulu's sleeve to rest on his arm right above his wrist. True, his hands were warmer than they had been, but they were still far from being warm. "I don't suppose my cold hands had really anything to do with that, either, he said, with a small smirk, knowing that his fingers were cold enough to make Sulu jump again.

It was odd, how low he felt and yet at the same time how nice it was to spend time with Sulu like this. How guilty he felt hiding how he felt from him and yet how much easier Sulu made it, with his urging smiles out of him even now, when things had been awkward and almost a bit shaky between them until recently.

Ianto's fingers did make him jump a little, and he laughed, leaning in to kiss Ianto again, this time pressing his lips to Ianto's. It wasn't a particularly intense kiss, but it was firm and maybe a little needy, though Sulu tried his hardest to keep that part to himself. It was just so nice to see Ianto joking and smiling, and he couldn't help but want it to last for as long as it could.

"I like your hands, cold or not," he said as he pulled back, keeping the kiss short out of a need to make sure Ianto knew he wasn't expecting anything. "Though if you're trying to use them against me, I might end up with a grudge against them."

Ianto smiled in response to that, shifting a bit to rest his head on Sulu's shoulder, tucking himself against the other man's side like he had before the phone call from John had interrupted them, his legs folded up on the couch beside him so that he could keep them under the blanket as well.

"I'll try to keep them from bothering you too much. I warn you that they do tend to have a mind of their own though." He shifted his hand so that he was once again holding Sulu's, trying desperately to warm them up even though he was pretty sure by now that it was a lost cause. "It's nice to know that you don't mind them being so cold, though. Y'know, in case they..." He trailed off, cutting that thought off before he got much further into the sentence, kicking himself for bringing up the idea that anything would stay the way that it was then, even if it was only his cold hands that he'd been talking about in that moment.

Sulu frowned at the unfinished statement, his hands curling around Ianto's as he felt just how cool they were. He knew what Ianto was thinking; it was hard not to, when parts of him had been thinking the same thing this whole time. Still, that didn't make him believe it any more than usual. "They won't," he said firmly, clasping Ianto's hands tight, "It'll get better."

It had to. Sulu wasn't going to let it stay this way, for Ianto to stay sickly and tired and so cold. He knew that if Ianto did stay like this, he would eventually come to resent Sulu for it. And it would be his fault, too; there would be no denying it. He hadn't thought this through enough to make sure he had all variables accounted for, he had brought Ianto back broken and if he couldn't fix it, it would be his fault. He hated the idea that Ianto would hate him for it, but he knew it would happen. He could only hope that, as it got better, so did Ianto's circulation.

"Besides," he said softly, "You always had cold hands. It's not like I'm afraid of them." Or you. Or anything.

Sulu's hands tightened around his own, and Ianto felt so guilty about ruining the light, bantering mood they had had going on a moment ago with one ill-placed comment that forced them to be reminded of what the situation was exactly. He turned his head to press a kiss against Sulu's shoulder, not feeling like he could really word an apology that would cover how sorry he was for being such a downer, nor that Sulu would really respond well to him apologizing, so that action would just have to do.

"...you shouldn't be afraid of them," Ianto said, softly. "They're. They're just hands. And yeah, they've always been cold, and maybe they're even colder now, but. They're still the same hands that I've always had." Ianto realized he was speaking a bit in code. Talking about his hands when really, he was talking about himself. He was the same person that he'd always been. And yes, he was cold, and sick, and tired, but. It was still him. All the qualities he'd had before, they were all true now. Maybe he'd get worse. Maybe...the darkness would take him away again. But at least he was there now. At least they could enjoy what they had now, because. Who knew what was coming next? Ianto certainly didn't.

Sulu smiled faintly and nodded, because Ianto was right. There wasn't anything fundamentally different about any of this; Ianto was just feeling under the weather and when that changed - and it would - things would go back to relative normalcy. As normal as their lives ever were, at least. "Don't worry," he said finally, "I'm not going to think any less of them for being cold."

Realizing that he might be putting too much stock into the conversation - and not realizing that he wasn't - Sulu laughed a little and lifted a hand, reaching out to run his fingers through Ianto's hair. "But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try warming them up. Do you have central heating in here? I can turn it up for you, if you want."

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