torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

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[RL WITH SULU]

It'd been a week. A week since that first day that he'd come back from the hospital, and Sulu had had to help him around his flat. A week, most of which he'd spent in a sort of semi-conscious, fatigued and weary state, shuffling about trying to get the necessary things done, but only just succeeding. As Ianto sat on the edge of his bed, just having gotten up from what had been his second nap of the day, and not feeling any better after having taken it, the world spinning around him from having sat up too fast, even though he'd paced himself and been extra careful not to, Ianto had the sinking feeling that in that whole week, he hadn't gotten better at all. Sulu had stuck around until his leave had been up, like he said he would, and then once he'd left, Jack had popped in a few times during the day to help out with chores (he was surprisingly good at doing the dishes and the laundry) and then at night to lie with him (even if Jack didn't sleep and Ianto felt like he was wasting the other man's time). And yet. In that whole week, nothing had changed. Nothing had gotten better. And Ianto was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired, and Jack was great to have around, but. He didn't really understand what it was like to be ill, and sometimes that wore on Ianto even more than not having him around at all.

And now, as the sun was setting, and Jack was off on a sudden call to London, Gwen doing god knows what with Rhys, Ianto wasn't about to disturb their peace, it was all starting to get at Ianto. The darkness was creeping in, and he was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't getting better at all. That maybe he'd never get better. Maybe this was how things would be, from now on. Maybe the darkness really would come for him, because it didn't seem like it would ever really let him go again, and Ianto swallowed against the swell of panic rising in his stomach. He... He couldn't do this. He knew that he didn't want to bother Sulu. That he had specifically refrained from calling him out of the blue for anything since he'd left to go back to his ship, instead waiting for Sulu himself to make the first contact, but. He. He really needed someone there with him. Someone real. Someone who understood and could chase the demons away like he promised he would. And so Ianto did the only thing that he could think of to help, and pulled out his phone to dial the number to Sulu's comm.

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Sulu's communicator blinked to life, beeping out the fact that he had an incoming call just as he was entering the lift for the bridge, having just gotten off a very short break to get something to eat. He would've had more time, if only he hadn't offered to spend more time on the bridge to give his replacement some time off. It was the least he could do, really, but now he was sort of regretting it as he recognized Ianto's callback number.

With a sigh, he flipped his comm open, halting the lift for a few moments to talk without being overheard by the crew. Just because Jim was on the community again didn't mean he wanted to let the man in on everything that was happening with him right now. "Ianto," he said, sounding put out and apologetic because he knew what Ianto wanted right then and there, and also that he had another four hours before his shift was over. "Really bad time, I'm just about to get back to the helm. I'm only halfway through my shift - I still have four more hours before I can take off."

Sulu's words cut through Ianto's heart like a knife, his eyebrows furrowing as he clenched his eyes shut against tears he didn't even know were there until a moment ago. He knew that the other man hadn't meant to be so flippant, hadn't meant to dismiss what he had to say before he'd even gotten a chance to say it, but the fact of the matter was that he had, and it hurt. It hurt a lot. It had taken so much effort just for him to place this call, it had gotten bad enough that he'd actually allowed himself to try and reach out for help, and to be told without even having said a word that it was a 'really bad time'...

"Right," Ianto said, his voice sounding strained even to his own ears. He felt so stupid, in that moment. To have all of his hopes riding on being able to ask Sulu to come down and just spend some time with him. Of course he had more important things to be doing, now that he was back on duty and everything. Sulu had told him that there would be times when he'd be busy, that there would be times when there would be no way for the two of them to get together. Ianto just really hadn't thought that it would end up being the time that he really needed the other man around the most. "Of course. I... Never mind. I'm sorry to bother you. F-forget I even called..."

Ianto's tone made Sulu wince, his gut twisting as he realized how stupid and callous he'd sounded just then. But he was due on duty in only a minute, and he absolutely couldn't be late, which was the only reason he'd even jumped into it as he had. "No, no," he said quickly, a little desperately, "I'm sorry, I really am, I didn't mean to... it's just that I'm literally in the lift to the bridge..."

Making excuses for himself? How childish was he? "I'm sorry, I really am. You're not bothering me, you really aren't. What's wrong?" Because he knew Ianto wouldn't have called without a reason, and now he felt even more awful for having jumped to excuses before asking. He seriously was an idiot.

Ianto shook his head, well aware that Sulu couldn't see him doing it, but not able to get himself talking for a moment through the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. "Nothing," he said, finally, not able to keep that rough edge of tears out of his voice. "Never mind. It's not important," he lied. It was only that he felt like he was starting to unravel at the seams, and he could really use the company. But he should have known better. Just because Jack was busy didn't mean that Sulu'd be free. He... He was going to have to face this alone. Like he'd been doing for the whole day, as it built up. Like he'd have to face everything, in the end.

He knew that he shouldn't feel so hurt. It wasn't Sulu's fault. He had a job to do. But. He couldn't think logically in that moment. All that he knew was that he needed Sulu to be there, and he wasn't going to be coming. "...I-I'm sorry," he said, his voice tight, fighting to hold back the sob that was wriggling its way up through his insides. He needed to end this call and fast. "You're... You've got a job to do, I... I won't keep you. I'm sorry I called. Goodbye," he said hastily, hanging up just before the wave of pain crashed over him. Sinking to sit huddled on the floor by the side of his bed, Ianto put his face in his hands, and cried.

Sulu winced, wanting so badly to regain some sort of control over the situation, to help Ianto as much as he could, to be able to leave the bridge and go to him, but he couldn't. He had a job, an important, duty-bound job to pilot a starship through uncharted territories, and it was a job he loved. And even if he didn't love it, even if it was the most trying thing in the universe, he wouldn't have a choice. He couldn't be AWOL.

Ianto hung up before Sulu could do any kind of reassuring; he almost called him back, but the timelock on the lift had run out and it shot up to the bridge, opening the doors before he could even do anything. He felt miserable, but he put on his usual attitude for the benefit of the rest of the crew, relieving the other helmsman before sliding into his seat. The worst part of it was, if there was no attack or sudden crisis, Sulu would have abandoned Ianto for four hours of nothing.

And that's exactly what it was. He'd hoped for a warbird to come out of nowhere, or for a crisis call to come in from one of the class M planets around them, but there was nothing, just space. The controls that normally made him feel so comfortable and at ease were just controls now, and the four hours dragged on for him. As soon as the Beta crew came in and he was relieved, Sulu was in the lift, taking it down with a few of the security members before veering off to his own room. He had no reason to change and so, as soon as he realized that he was alone, he shoved his hand in his pocket and pressed his fingers against the portkey, barely even stumbling as he went from one world to another, winding up somewhere in the hall. "Ianto?"

Ianto had sat on the floor beside his bed staring miserably at the wall in front of him for a long while, before the sun had sank too far and the room had gotten too dark and he needed to get up and turn on some lights or else he might just start to really lose his mind. He made it down the stairs to the kitchen, flicking on every light that he could, and just sat in the light for another while, huddled in a blanket that he'd taken from upstairs. He didn't even feel like a coffee. He wanted to be better again. To not feel like this, cold and achy, feeling sorry for himself, scared and alone, weary and stir-crazy all at once. He wanted to do something, anything to take his mind off of it all, but trying to watch or read anything would just make him feel worse, and he couldn't go out and do anything, he simply wasn't up to it. So Ianto pulled out the last resort he had, and called Jack. To talk. Which he never, ever did.

Luckily, Jack answered. And he did talk. He was obviously out of his league, trying to talk Ianto out of the mood he'd fallen into, but he actually did try, and Ianto had to give him credit for that. He suggested that Ianto take a bath, carefully, and Ianto did. And Jack called to make sure that he was alright afterward, which was nice of him. Suggested Ianto order out, put it on the company card, and so Ianto did. But in the end, Jack had a meeting to go to, and Ianto was once again left by himself in his lonely, miserable little flat, and he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand any of it any more.

And so, four hours later, Ianto found himself sat in the back doorway of his flat, looking out on the garden that he shared with the flat next door, the lights in his kitchen burning bright, his lamp from the living room sitting on the floor next to him for added protection against the shadows in front of him. It was freezing, sitting there with the door open to the crisp November night air, and so Ianto had huddled himself in multiple blankets, and if someone were to look out at him, he probably looked like a lunatic, but he just didn't care anymore. He needed the sounds of the city, of the other people in the neighborhood around him, because if no one was there to keep him company specifically, at least he could comfort himself knowing that there were other people out there regardless.

It was also where he was sat when suddenly there were sounds coming from in his flat, and a voice calling out his name, and he nearly gave himself a heart attack right then and there, his nerves stretched very very tight and just barely hanging on, until he managed to recognize that it was Sulu's voice. But...what was he doing there? Ianto hesitated to call out to him, embarrassed and ashamed and his heart still aching from their very brief interaction earlier.

The first thing Sulu noticed as he looked around the flat was that it was bright. Every light in the place was on, bright and blazing compared to the dark outside that he could see through the window as he made his way to the kitchen. The back door was open, a lamp on the floor illuminating Ianto's shape against the dark, and Sulu felt his heart drop at the sight. He was almost surprised he could feel even worse than he had while he'd been on the bridge, but there it was.

He wanted to grab Ianto and pull him inside, knowing the other man was already cold enough without needing the temperature from outside to get in, to apologize a thousand times over for being an ass, and then another thousand for having a really terrible work schedule that was out of his hands, but he really couldn't find the words or the energy to do either of those things. He felt suddenly very tired, from eight hours of busywork and idle chat while he'd felt horrible and from just seeing Ianto huddled in the door.

So, he settled for moving to the doorframe, crouching down and saying, "Hey." His voice sounded tight and unhappy and he wanted to try and change that, to be more upbeat and try and help Ianto out of whatever had happened these past few hours, but for all he knew, Ianto didn't want to even see him. He couldn't do optimistic at the moment. "Just got off duty."

Ianto turned to glance briefly at Sulu crouched there, murmuring a quiet "Hey," before turning back to look out at the darkness in front of him, momentarily blinded by how bright the lights were compared to the dark that he'd been staring out at for a while now. He shifted the blankets tighter around him, because he was freezing, he really was. His toes were loosing feeling a little bit, and his hands probably would be too, if they weren't hidden in the blankets with the rest of him, but he didn't want to move. Even now, when Sulu was there, he. He hesitated to turn to the other man for warmth and support. Because...sometimes, he wasn't going to be there, no matter how much he wanted him to be.

"...you didn't have to come," he said, softly. "I... I'm an adult, and I should be fine spending the night by myself." He didn't say that he was fine, however. Because he wasn't. Obviously. Sitting huddled in the doorway of your garden with a lamp next to you on the floor and all of the lights in your flat on as bright as they can go, braving the cold so that you could just hear the sounds of other people existing... That really wasn't fine at all.

"Maybe," Sulu conceded, voice soft as he stared at Ianto, "But I wanted to come. I would have come when you called if I hadn't been on duty. I'm sorry." He had wanted to come, didn't Ianto realize that? He'd wanted to be here, he'd told Ianto he would be here whenever he could, that yes, he had a job to do but he could balance the two. He wanted to balance the two.

"I couldn't leave my post, you have to understand. I wanted to, but I couldn't. That's just not how it works." And now he felt like he was scolding Ianto, and he knew Ianto would feel the same way, so he quickly continued, "I wish it did, because I didn't want to wait four hours before I could come see you, and if I had any say I'd have been here before you'd even said a damned word. I even had the portkey in my pocket all day."

Sulu was right, Ianto did feel like he was being scolded. And it hurt even more, because he knew that Sulu was right, that he couldn't have just left, that that wasn't how things worked. Ianto knew that that wasn't the way things worked. He knew that he had the worst of luck with these things. That whenever he really needed the other man to be able to come, he wouldn't be able to. Because that was how it worked. At least in his life.

"It's fine," Ianto said, not moving from where he was sitting huddled in the darkness, not turning to look at Sulu or the ground or anything, just sitting there. "You don't have to explain yourself. I understand. You really shouldn't have to be available to come by and babysit me all the time. They needed you there. I..." He swallowed. "I should have known you were on duty then, anyway. I should never have called and interrupted that."

Sulu winced, realizing that no matter how hard he'd tried to change how his words had sounded, it was too late. Running a hand through his hair, he sighed and moved to sit next to Ianto, instead of crouching behind him. It was cold - way too cold, and Sulu was going to have to make Ianto go inside soon enough, but he seemed... not calm, not really, but at least he wasn't sobbing or volatile. He wanted to keep that for as long as he could.

"There's no way you could have known. We don't even really know the time difference. And it's not babysitting you," he said firmly, "I'm not trying to make you do your homework or go to bed at a reasonable hour or anything like that. I want to be here for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't this time. It was bad timing for both of us, but I promised you that if I couldn't be there right away, I'd come down as soon as I could, and that's exactly what I did here." He looked out at the darkness, away from Ianto, and wrapped his arms loosely over his knees. This whole thing was a lot harder than he'd thought it would be.

Ianto wasn't so sure that it wasn't babysitting him, really. True, there were no bedtimes or homework enforcements or time outs, but. Ianto couldn't help but feel like every time he made one of the other two spend time with him, what they were really doing was watching over him. He didn't need a guardian. What he needed was his support.

"Yeah, you did," Ianto said, flatly. "And here you are. Exactly as promised..." And four hours too late. Sulu said that he wanted to be there, and yet it was still hard for Ianto to accept that he wasn't bothering the other man. He wanted the other man to want to be there with him, not for him. But that's what Sulu had said. Ianto felt all of the careful bandaging of his wounds that he'd done start to slip free again.

"You didn't have to rush, though," he said. "I... I was handling it on my own." Maybe not well, but. God, what was he even saying? He was happy that Sulu was there with him. He just... He wished, with all of his being, that he could have been there with him four hours ago, too. When he'd actually really needed him to be there with him. When there was a him to be there with and not just this hollow person that he felt like at the moment, sitting out in the dark, in the cold, alone, for longer than he'd care to admit.

Now Sulu had to wonder if he was doing something wrong, coming to Ianto after so long. Was Ianto handling it on his own? Wouldn't it be better to let him learn how to manage whatever upset him alone, so that he could get a handle on it sooner? But then he turned and looked at Ianto, really looked, and he knew that wasn't the case. Ianto was mad at him for not being able to come when he called, probably knowing it was irrational but unable to help himself, and he wasn't handling it.

But maybe he really didn't want Sulu there, even if he was handling it badly. Maybe he wanted to be alone. Sulu closed his eyes and rested his forehead on his arms, taking in the cold air around them. He knew he wasn't going to be able to handle this for long, not without some kind of communication, and he should have called before coming down and seen if Ianto had even wanted him around. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked, dreading the answer because if Ianto said yes, he wanted Sulu to go, he might not know what to do with himself.

A small, mean, hidden part of Ianto really wanted to tell Sulu that yes, he did want him to leave, so that maybe Sulu would hurt the same way that he had, but he didn't even think about paying attention to that part of himself, quickly brushing it aside. "No," he said, softly, honestly, without hesitation. "No, I don't."

He lowered his eyes, finally moving, huddling himself further into the blankets. God, he was freezing. How long had he been sitting out there, anyway? He didn't even know any more. He had very little concept of time, since he'd made the call. He looked at his watch, but it really didn't help, save to let him know how long it had been since calling in the first place. "I... I want you here. I just. Four hours ago, I needed you here, and. You couldn't come." He sighed. "I really should have expected that, anyway. I should have known that because I needed you here, you couldn't come. That's so typical of the way that everything seems to work with me, lately..."

Sulu sighed again and shook his head, too tired to try and reassure Ianto at the moment. He'd just have to be direct. "It's not some big, multiversal scheme to screw you over, Ianto. It's just a time difference and work getting in the way. It's not because of you, it's just how things worked out this time. And I'm sorry that I wasn't here before, that I couldn't be here before, but I'm here now, so."

He cut himself off before he could finish his thought, abruptly enough that it didn't even sound as though he was contemplating saying a single word more, that he'd almost said "get over it and take it where you can," because that was wrong and it was just his petty, irritable side coming out. And he wanted to keep that from Ianto for as long as he could, damn it.

He pushed himself up and stood in front of Ianto, looking down at him with tired eyes. "It's freezing out here," he said, wondering if Ianto had even noticed. He was so cold already, nowadays...

Just judging by the tone that Sulu was getting with him, Ianto knew that he'd done something wrong. Said something to make the other man upset with him. He could tell that Sulu was irritated with him, even if he hadn't come right out and said it, and it hurt. Ianto leaned forward, clutching his knees to his chest and resting his head on top of them. He felt...horrible. Mentally, and physically, and emotionally exhausted. He'd buried everything so far within himself that there was only a residual aching that gave hint to anything being wrong, because that was just how he dealt with things by himself, but. Now that he wasn't by himself anymore...he wasn't sure that he wanted to let it out. Especially not if it was just going to make the other man angry at him.

"Yeah," Ianto said, after a moment, his voice a lot more raw than it had been moments ago. "It is, isn't it?"

Sulu heard the change in Ianto's tone and knew that he'd said the wrong thing, or used the wrong tone, or something, but he couldn't even begin to unravel it and fix it. Not out here in the cold and the dark, with Ianto looking terrible and his anxiety making his heart pound in his chest. He needed to focus on this as logically as possible and do things in order of importance. Normally, talking would be on the top of the list, but right now...

"We should go inside," he said, quietly and sadly but firmly, because there was no way they were going to be able to talk like this. Not now. He couldn't help but look past Ianto, into the kitchen, remembering how they'd been a little awkward but relatively upbeat, forcing strange teas on a sick Jack, and it made him ache. He hadn't even seen Ianto smile, not more than a little, since... "I can make something to eat, or help you upstairs." Those were the only options Sulu could even see, and he wondered for just a second if those were going to be the only options from now on. He swiped the thought away, but he knew it'd come back. One thing at a time, though.

Ianto shook his head, not bothering to pick it up from where he had it resting on his knees, not really knowing if he could. He'd already eaten, not knowing whether Sulu'd be by any time soon. Not counting on him being able to be by any time soon. He'd tried to function as best he could on his own. He wasn't sure how much ordering takeout was exactly functioning on his own, but. At least he'd gotten food, and eaten it too.

He didn't like this feeling. Everything was starting to well up inside of him, and he didn't want to let it out, but he was going to have to. And he'd never been this tense around Sulu before, and he hated it. He hated that he was bringing out all of these negative sides of the man, that he was bringing him down with him as well. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to lie down. He didn't know what he wanted, though. He couldn't think straight. And Sulu just didn't sound like himself, and it hurt, because he knew that it was all because of him. Tears sprang to his eyes and he clenched them shut to keep them at bay, their presence making it impossible for him to find his voice to really say anything in response to Sulu's offer.

Sulu really didn't want to be upset with Ianto. He had no reason to be upset with him; he had failed him on a basic level and it was his fault that Ianto was feeling the way he was, that he was as sullen as he was, not Ianto's himself. But Sulu hated that fact. He didn't want to be the reason Ianto was upset, he didn't want to feel so guilty over something they both logically knew he had no control over.

When Ianto didn't respond other than to shake his head, Sulu closed his eyes and counted to ten mentally, opening his eyes again before stepping past Ianto to get into the flat. "If you sit out there for any longer, you're going to get colder than you already are," he said flatly, trying to school his voice into something calmer, less anxious and ragged than it wanted to be. He realized he'd failed, but damn it, damn it, he couldn't take that back, either, and the part of him that was irritated and tired and secretly terrified that this was all Ianto was ever going to be had won out.

As Sulu stepped over him, Ianto wanted to reach out and grab him as he passed, reach out and grab on and never let go, but he didn't move, he couldn't move, and then his chance was over and Sulu was out of reach and he was talking to him and... Ianto never wanted to hear Sulu's voice sound like this. Terrified and tired and irritated and it was all because of him and he couldn't take it back, couldn't do anything to fix it, because what if there was nothing that could be fixed?

Ianto couldn't move, couldn't will himself to get up and follow Sulu into the kitchen, couldn't make himself stand and pretend that everything was alright because it clearly wasn't, and maybe he'd be able to pretend later but he'd just spent the day to himself alone and aching and so bloody terrified that keeping up appearances would be nothing more than a sick joke. Unbidden, a sob worked its way up through Ianto's chest, and before he had any control over what it was doing, strangled, muffled against his knees but audible nonetheless, it ripped it's way up his throat and through his mouth. Ianto brought his hands to his face, covering it as another sob started to work its way out from where the first one came.

When Sulu heard Ianto's quiet sobbing, he immediately turned to him, nearly tripping over himself to get to Ianto, feeling just... so fucking terrible that he hadn't even noticed, hadn't even realized that Ianto was so close to cracking, and that he'd let himself be petty and annoyed with him when none of this was Ianto's fault. He came around in front of Ianto and dropped to his knees, putting his hands on the other's arms through the blankets and resting his head on top of Ianto's, feeling how cool he was even under all that cover and feeling even worse for it.

"God, damn it, Ianto, I'm so sorry," he said, falling right back into the apologizing that he hadn't wanted to do before. "I didn't. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me and I'm sorry I'm here now when I can't help you. I'm sorry for the attitude." He was sorry for more than that, but he kept it to himself, not willing to tell Ianto just how sorry he was, not yet.

After the first couple of sobs, Ianto couldn't help it anymore. He just let himself go. And suddenly Sulu was there, and his hands were so warm on his arms, he was just so warm in general, Ianto could feel the body heat radiating off of him, and he could hear his words of apology, but he couldn't get himself to do anything in response, because the floodgates had been opened, and there was no stopping it.

He wanted to tell Sulu that it wasn't his fault. That he understood, and he was sorry for blaming him. That he knew it was out of both of their control, and that it was just chance, and they'd just drawn a bad card today. That he was just having a bad day and that it was alright because tomorrow would have to be better, right? But he couldn't, because there were parts of him that did blame Sulu, there were parts of him that were convinced that this was it, and that they might not even have this for long, that things might get worse, that he might be taken again, and it scared him so much. Ianto shifted, leaning forward toward Sulu, not moving a lot, but enough to press his forehead against Sulu's chest, one of his hands reaching out to grip at Sulu's shirt, holding on as if it was his last lifeline, the other still clenched, covering his face, as he sobbed into his knees, leaning against Sulu's solid warm presence in front of him.

Sulu imagined that this was the closest he could get to the feeling of free-fall with both of his feet on the ground. He felt helpless and weak and it was an awful, gut-wrenching feeling because Ianto was too upset, too hurt by everything Sulu had done that day to reassure him, and Sulu simply had to struggle to be able to help Ianto. He was the problem here, he knew, but he was still going to try. He didn't even know what had upset Ianto to begin with, four hours earlier; he had no idea what he was supposed to be defending the other from. This wasn't something he could fight, but it wasn't something he could just accept.

"Shh," he murmured, shifting as close as their positions would allow, moving a hand to hold Ianto's, letting his grip stay as tight as he wanted on his shirt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get short with you. It's going to be okay, I'm... I'm not going to keep failing you like this, I swear."

Ianto shook his head, forcing the words out through the tears, making his voice rough and cracking and anything but steady as he spoke. He had to pause in between words to let out the sobs he was holding in to speak, sucking in breaths of air in between them, and he probably sounded even worse than when he was just staying quiet, but. He couldn't let Sulu say things like that. "No. Don't... Don't. It's not. You didn't fail me. I... God damn it, I know. There was nothing you could do. I shouldn't. You're....here now and I. I'm glad. It's just. Oh god. I. Don't be upset with me. I. I can't...stand it."

Ianto wanted nothing more in that moment than to reach forward and wrap himself in Sulu's arms and just stay there until he felt better, but that would mean he needed to pick himself up, and he couldn't. The force of his emotions left him huddled in on himself there, clutching at whatever support he could get from the other man in front of him.

"I'm not upset at you," Sulu said, momentarily staggered by Ianto's words and the voice he'd used. Even at his worse, Ianto had never been this bad and it was all Sulu's fault, for not thinking about every possibility when it came to bringing him back, for not preparing a solution to every possible variable like he would have if he'd been smart about it. And he wanted to tell Ianto that, he wanted to apologize for letting him come back when Sulu had no idea how to fix everything for him, but he knew that Ianto would just feel worse for that and he couldn't do that to him.

"I'm not upset because of you," he repeated, resigned but firm. "I'm upset because I can't do anything, and that. It's. ...I hate that I can't help you. I hate it. And I let myself take that out on you and that is my fault, that has nothing to do with you or how you're feeling. You have every right to be angry at me, because I'm being the worst kind of person in the world just because I feel useless."

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