torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

None of that sounded really... well, reassuring. Sulu was getting used to that fact, but it wasn't something he could just ignore like he could so many other things. Ianto didn't mention eating, and he wasn't sure whether that was because he didn't think it was important or if he simply hadn't eaten since Sulu had left that morning.

He tried not to look disappointed at the fact that nothing seemed to be better - but he had expected that, too, and he felt terrible for that as well. "You can get some sleep now, if you want," he offered, trying to fix his smile, "But... Have you eaten yet? Because I can make you something, so you're at least not passing out on an empty stomach.' Truthfully, he didn't want Ianto to sleep. He wanted him to get up and move around a bit, so that he could keep some sort of schedule. ...And, yes, part of him found it disturbing that Ianto could sleep so much. But he was trying to keep his misgivings out of his mind for now. Plenty of time to worry about that later.

Ianto tried very hard not to bite his lip at the question as to whether he'd had any food yet that day. Of course the answer was no, but. He didn't want to say that, didn't want to go into how intimidating something as simple as a flight of stairs was becoming, so instead he just shrugged and moved on to the next thought. "Well, I am a bit hungry," he said, not really knowing if he was or not, but figuring that he should be, since he really hadn't had that much to eat all day. "And truth be told, I really don't want to go to sleep again quite yet, either."

He was sort of hoping that they could just keep the day going the same as they always did, when Sulu came back, except right from the start that was impossible. Ianto would usually greet Sulu downstairs, and the two of them would eat. Then they might come upstairs and take a bath, or just come upstairs and go to bed, but the fact was that it usually started downstairs, and that it started upstairs today... It had to give something away, didn't it? Maybe that was just Ianto feeling paranoid, but. It had to give something away. There was no way he could be feeling this horrible and not be letting it show just a little bit, no matter how hard he tried, right? Ianto certainly hoped that that weren't the case. He didn't even know why he was hiding it from Sulu anymore, other than the fact that he'd gotten into the habit of it, and it was too hard of a habit to break.

Sulu nodded at that response; it made sense. At least Ianto wasn't trying to hide the fact that he hadn't eaten much that day; Sulu honestly couldn't imagine Ianto to have eaten. Something about how he was acting, or looking, or - who knew what it was that was making Sulu hesitate at almost everything he wanted to say. It wasn't normal for them, not by a long shot; even when they'd first gotten Ianto home from the hospital, Sulu hadn't been able to stop himself from speaking up about whatever it was that was bothering him. But right now, he was trying very hard to keep things... easy.

"Do you want to come downstairs and get something to eat, then?" he asked, giving Ianto a half-smile, "Or do you want me to bring you dinner in bed?" Which was something he would do, without a thought - but the question was probably more loaded than he'd want it to be. Because if Ianto turned down going downstairs, that would mean something was probably... wrong.

Ianto paused after Sulu's questions, which in itself was probably enough of a giveaway that things weren't exactly as they should have been, but after a moment, he nodded, squeezing Sulu's hand. "No, I..." he said. "You don't have to bring it here. We. I can go downstairs for it. I'm not going to have you wait on me, or anything like that, remember? It'll be fine," he said.

The truth of the matter was, though, he wasn't quite sure how he was going to manage the stairs. Maybe it'd be better with Sulu there, and with the railing, and maybe if he just closed his eyes, then...maybe things wouldn't spin as much, looking down them. It would be rather obvious that he'd be relying pretty heavily on the other man to be there and help guide him, but at least he'd be doing it, he'd be making it down the stairs and to the kitchen himself, so he wouldn't feel like quite so much of an invalid, even if...that was rapidly what he was deteriorating into. Who knew how much longer he was going to be able to make it down the stairs? Who knew how much longer he was going to be able to do much of anything, for that matter, he thought, sadly.

Sulu let his smile grow into a real, honest one, though it was by no means very big; he'd sort of dreaded Ianto's response, because all he wanted was for things to get better, for Ianto to get better, and if he was okay with taking on the stairs, it was obviously not as bad as his subconscious had been making it seem.

"I was only offering because I wouldn't normally," Sulu said, stroking the top of Ianto's hand with his thumb once more before letting go, sliding off his side of the bed. "So maybe you should take advantage of my great bedside manner while you can, because I'm not going to offer when you're better. Except on your birthday, maybe." He moved easily to Ianto's side of the bed, holding out a hand to help him out of bed - and also just because it was nice to be able to have some kind of physical connection with Ianto, even if he was a little cool to the touch.

Ianto looked at Sulu smiling down at him, at his hand held out towards him, and in that moment, everything he had in him wanted to just tell Sulu everything. That he wasn't fine at all, that he was most likely going to kill them both while attempting the stairs, that he felt the worst he'd ever felt, including the time he'd spent in the hospital, that... He shook himself out of that train of thought, although one thought remained. Shit. He was going to have to commit to going downstairs with the other man, now that he'd set up that charade.

"I'll have to remember that, then," he said, sitting up straight and slowly pushing the covers back to swing his legs out and sit on the edge of the bed. "The next time I have a birthday that rolls around, that is. See that I get this special treatment that you're promising, here." He took Sulu's hand and stood, and it...wasn't good. Just from that motion, tiny white lights started to dance in Ianto's vision. Even as he started to move towards the stairs, more and more, Ianto was beginning to come to the conclusion that making himself get up had been a really bad idea.

Thankfully, they'd only gotten to the doorway and not the steps themselves before Ianto's vision started to darken from the edges, creeping quickly to cover everything, and a wave washed over him leaving him queasy and weak and incredibly unsteady all at the same time. He was at once extremely grateful that the other man was there with him, to see he didn't accidentally off himself falling down the stairs, and also slightly terrified, because he knew that he was passing out, and there was very little he could do other than hope Sulu caught on. "Wait," he managed, "I... I can't..." But that was all he could get out, before it was like someone cut the power for his body, and Ianto blacked out completely.

The moment Ianto started to sag against him, Sulu immediately twisted and grabbed him with his other arm, feeling Ianto's weight drop against him with no resistance and doing his best to hold him up in spite of the sudden dead weight. He didn't know what to do and so he dropped them both against the wall beside the doorframe, resting Ianto against the wall and allowing himself to freak out only once he brushed his fingers just under Ianto's jawline and managed to feel out a pulse, relief and worry washing over him so intensely that he had to lean his head against Ianto's shoulder.

He took a few shallow breaths of air because this, this was exactly what he had been scared of, that one day things would just stop for Ianto and there would be nothing he could do, no way to stop it, and Ianto would be gone again, for good this time, because they couldn't just bring him back over and over again. And Sulu wouldn't be able to protect him from the dark; no amount of hot baths and lightbulbs could fix it.

But he had to remind himself that Ianto was still alive - he was breathing and he had a pulse, however little they really reassured him. He tried to move his hand away from Ianto's pulsepoint, tried to lean his head back so he could see if there was a way to help him get back to consciousness, but Sulu couldn't find the strength to move. He just couldn't.

Ianto felt himself starting to come around again after a moment, noticing that he was still upright, somehow, and that there was a pressure against his shoulder, and another against his neck. He blinked his eyes open, but for the life of him nothing would focus for a few moments. There weren't really any sounds to be heard, and yet everything was still muffled. He felt like he was down a well, stuck in a tunnel, something that would cause his ears to be full of cotton and his vision to narrow. He shut them after a second, making a little noise as he took in a deep breath, trying to get the blood flowing through his body enough to be able to function again.

What had just happened anyway? Where was he? What was going on? The last thing that he remembered was...Sulu. Sulu coming back, Sulu offering to make him food, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his hand out to be helped up, and then... Nothing. Everything after that was a haze. The pressure on his shoulder, though, on his neck... It was warm. Which could only mean that it was Sulu. On one hand, Ianto was grateful that he hadn't cracked his head open on the floor or anything like that, but. On the other hand...how was he going to explain this away? He hadn't passed out on the other man before, not since coming home from the hospital. He... God. This wasn't good. This really wasn't good at all, especially not if he wanted to try and keep up the pretense that...things hadn't gotten as bad as they had.

Sulu leaned back when he felt Ianto moving, just slightly, and heard him make a noise as he inhaled. Just looking at Ianto's expression as he came to realize what was going on was enough to throw Sulu into a whirl of emotions he couldn't possibly parse out. There was no way this could have happened if Ianto was really getting better. The lapses in Ianto's moods and health, they never got so bad as this. Which meant that Sulu had been deluding himself to think that Ianto was getting better - or that Ianto himself was pretending it was getting better. Pushing himself, probably - after all, Jack had mentioned he'd worked himself until he'd nearly collapsed while he was sick, once.

"Ianto," he said slowly, keeping his voice calm and patient, "Just relax. Take your time." He forced himself to pull his hand away from Ianto's pulse, reaching instead to brush through Ianto's hair. He was going to yell - he could feel it, that he was going to lose his temper here soon enough - but he was going to hold back as much as possible. It was just anxiety and fear that was making him want to lash out, and he was nothing if not disciplined enough to stop it - or at least hold it off for a while.

Ianto bit his lip, nodding slightly, keeping his eyes shut for a few more moments as he sat there, breathing. At the feeling of Sulu's hand in his hair, he unconsciously tilted his head into the touch, pausing for a little while longer, before cautiously opening his eyes. Cautious because for one thing, he wasn't sure exactly what it was that had set him off, that had put him down for the count in the first place, and for another...he didn't want to see the look in Sulu's eyes. The look that he knew would probably be there, a look that would be completely different from the calm and quiet tone of voice that he'd adopted with him.

After a few moments of sitting there against the wall, collecting himself, Ianto took in another deep breath, and let it out, shakily. He knew that they weren't going to sit there in silence forever, that they couldn't, and that the silence was killing him, so he opened his mouth and tried to cover for himself. "I... I'm sorry, I... I must've stood up too fast, or something," he said, quietly, keeping his eyes firmly anywhere but somewhere where he could watch Sulu's reaction to any of this.

Sulu might've taken that excuse at face value, if only Ianto hadn't looked so worried - if he'd looked Sulu in the eyes as he'd offered it up. Sulu shook his head, slowly but firmly. He knew Ianto would see the motion out of the corner of his eye, and he wanted him to know that he wasn't accepting that. Because if he was getting better...

"Has this happened before?" he asked, his tone changing as he struggled to keep himself calm, to not blame Ianto because Ianto wanted to get better, and Sulu knew just how powerful just believing you were getting better could be. But Ianto's reaction to all of this - he wasn't surprised by it, not really, and Sulu needed to know if this was happening more than once, if Ianto was holding back from him. What Ianto was holding back from him.

Ianto winced at the change in Sulu's tone, keeping his eyes averted from the other man so he could keep himself from looking as guilty as he felt. Any sort of anger and frustration building in the other man...Ianto knew that he deserved it. Deserved all of it. Because he'd been, well...not lying, but masking the truth from the other man for weeks now. Pretending to get better, pretending to be feeling better than he was. Sometimes it seemed like the only thing he wasn't pretending was how grateful he was that the other man had been there for him, and now he'd probably ruined every chance of that being the case as well, he thought, irrationally.

He shook his head at the question, carefully. Just because he was sitting down didn't mean that he couldn't make himself dizzy again. "No, I... I swear. I've...this is the first time that I've actually passed out, since you brought me back." He realized belatedly that he hadn't denied feeling like he was going to pass out before though, and mentally kicked himself for it.

Sulu didn't know what he wanted to do right then. He knew from how Ianto had responded that, while he'd never passed out before, he'd been close to it before, and that made him ache. To think that he hadn't even noticed it... and that Ianto had hidden it from him. He wondered if Ianto had been doing that to keep Sulu from feeling terrible, and realized that it really, really hadn't worked.

"But you've felt like it," he said quietly. "Ianto - have you even been feeling better at all?" His hands moved to Ianto's shoulders, because he didn't want to be petting his hair any more. He was trying to keep from moving away, and this was the only way to do it. "You have to tell me, right now. How long have you been feeling like this?"

Ianto didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to react. How was he supposed to tell the man in front of him that he hadn't really been feeling better at all, that he'd been pretending in an attempt to make himself believe that he was, even if he wasn't really. In an attempt to try and make Sulu himself feel better about the fact that he'd brought him back. He didn't want Sulu to feel guilty about it, or Jack, but. He knew that that had been a stupid thought, as Sulu gripped his shoulders.

He didn't bring his eyes up to look at the other man, really not wanting to know what his reaction was going to be to his next words. Even though Sulu had figured it out at least to some extent, there was a part of him that still wanted to protect the other man from how bad things had gotten, even if that didn't make any sense. Ianto's mind wasn't really making a whole lot of sense, anymore, as it were. "I... I'm fine," he said, swallowing as he lied through his teeth, "really. I just. I forgot to get lunch, so I got a little light headed when I stood up, that's...that's all..."

Sulu took his hands away then, pulling back from Ianto as his stomach lurched. Ianto's pokerface wasn't doing him any good now that Sulu was seeing that there was something really wrong, and it honestly hurt him to think that Ianto was lying - still lying, and had been lying all this time. He sat back heavily, running a hand through his hair and closing his eyes, breathing deeply.

Unable to keep the tension out of his voice now, he almost regretted how angry and upset he sounded. "You're lying," he said, firmly and seriously. He didn't want to play this game, he wanted a straight answer from the other man. "Ianto, just tell me if you haven't been feeling better."

A muscle in Ianto's jaw clenched as Sulu pulled back from him, his heart tightening as he heard the note in Sulu's voice, how much this was getting to the other man. That's why he'd tried to keep it from him for as long as possible. Because...because he hadn't wanted to upset him. Not like this, especially not now. He should have just agreed to have the other man bring him dinner in bed. Then he could have at least kept the pretense up for a bit longer.

He kept his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him, moving to brace himself up now that Sulu wasn't there to hold on to him anymore. He felt sad, and sick, and just tired. So tired that he knew that everything wasn't effecting him the way it should, and that frightened him more. Brought up the fear of the fact that...he couldn't be as frightened should be, he just didn't have the energy to do so anymore. What was there to say, though? Sulu'd figured it out, and now there was no saving grace for him. "...I tried to keep from lying to you as much as I could," he said, quietly. "It... It's not lying if I just change the subject..." Never mind that that was exactly what he was trying to do in that moment.

Sulu groaned and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands. This was ridiculous. Ianto was trying to dig himself out of a hole that he was instead only making worse. Trying to keep from lying to him? Sulu couldn't believe he'd think he needed to lie at all. What did he think Sulu would do?

He had no way of knowing what Ianto had been thinking and that just made it hurt more. Some things, all right, Sulu could handle not being told some things. But this was - this was Ianto's health. The one thing Sulu cared about more than anything else this past month, and Ianto was lying to him about it.

With a quiet, strangled noise, Sulu found his voice and said, "I can't believe this. I can't believe you. Why in the hell did you not tell me? We could have been doing something about this!"

Ianto hung his head as Sulu started to get upset at him. He understood why the other man felt that way, and he didn't really blame him, honestly. But he really had been trying to protect that other man--trying to protect both of them from what he was slowly coming to think of as the inevitable. That this thing was going to kill him all over again, and there wouldn't be a damned thing that either of them could do about it.

He carefully pulled his knees in closer, folding his legs in front of himself, putting his hands in his lap as he tried to figure out something to say in response to the other man, but he couldn't think of anything that was really worth saying, anything that would possibly placate the other man. What was done was done, and now he was left to deal with the consequences that...Sulu had found out that he wasn't okay at all.

"I... I didn't want to upset you," he said, quietly. "In case...in case this was all there was. In case this was it..." Because John hadn't been able to find anything. They'd been talking for weeks now, about it, and the fact of the matter was that John just hadn't come up with anything new. And he was getting worse. He just...he wasn't sure that he wanted to tell Sulu he'd been trying to fix things behind his back, and that it wasn't working. He wasn't sure how much more angry that would make the other man, to be honest.

Sulu couldn't help but let out a small, strained laugh at that, shaking his head in his hands. Ianto hadn't wanted to upset him? Sulu could understand that. Of course he could. But if he'd just been honest, they could have looked for help. They could have done something before this, before Ianto could hardly even stand.

"You should've told me," he said quietly, though a little fiercely, "Damn it, Ianto, you should've told me before. Because now I really am upset. I've been acting like an idiot this past month, thinking things were getting better when they weren't." He sighed and pulled at his hair, head tilting side-to-side slowly. "Now. God, Ianto," he said, finally looking up, realizing that the anger he'd felt just moments before was dissipating into fear. "I might not be able to do anything now. It might be too late and I don't want to lose you again."

Ianto hated the tone of voice that Sulu had adopted, the fear a million times worse than the anger had been just a second ago. "I tried to fix things," he said, miserably, shutting his eyes. "I tried to get better, I really did. I did everything that John said I should. I rested all day, I haven't left the flat since I came home... I've cut my caffeine intake, I've been taking those baths, and... Nothing's been working. Nothing's working, and John isn't finding anything, and I..."

Ianto sat forward, pulling his knees up to his chest to rest his head on, wrapping his arms around his legs to hold himself there. "I'm sorry," he said, softly, quietly. He just felt so... Empty. Now that the pretending was gone, it was like someone had cut his strings, and it...wasn't a good feeling, to feel like he'd just lost his last hope. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't want... I don't want..." Tears sprang to his eyes, and Ianto was surprised that he could even still muster them, frankly. "I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to go back there. I just... I didn't know what to do..."

Sulu wanted to be angry, to be pissed off at Ianto for hiding this from him, for risking his life so soon after being brought back and for keeping it from Sulu. He wanted to be mad so he wouldn't feel terrified all over again; he wasn't used to the feeling and he didn't want to get used to it. Anger was a good, solid emotion that wasn't weak and horrifying. But he couldn't - he couldn't stay angry. He couldn't stay upset when Ianto was starting to panic himself, when Sulu could hear him starting to lose it.

"I know you don't," he said quietly. An apology for getting mad at all was almost out of his mouth but he held it back, because for once it really, honestly wasn't in him to give an apology for how he was feeling. What he was feeling was natural and honestly expected. "I know you don't want to go back, nobody wants you to go back." He pushed himself out of his position, shuffling forward on his knees until he could lean in and wrap his arms around Ianto. "I don't want you to leave again and I will do anything to keep that from happening. I promise." He just didn't know how, quite yet.

Ianto shuddered as Sulu's arms wrapped around him. He hadn't wanted the other man to know, had kept him in the dark because he wanted to protect him, keep him from everything that was going on in hopes that he could just fix it, that he could just get better, and then he wouldn't have to worry Sulu. But...it was looking more and more like that was not going to be the case. Especially now that Sulu knew. And. It was horrible that Sulu knew, it was, because now he knew that he'd been keeping everything from him, he was going to find how much he'd been keeping, but at the same time... He was so glad to finally have the other man know, finally be able to just let go, for once.

He sucked in a shaky breath, reaching up to bunch his fingers in Sulu's shirt, tucking his head forward against Sulu's shoulder. And in his moment of weakness, he did the bravest thing he could possibly think of. "I... I can't do this anymore," he said, brokenly. "I thought it would be okay. I thought I could...but I was wrong. I was wrong, and I..." He shuddered again in Sulu's arms. "I need...I need your help. Because I...I really can't do any of this alone anymore. I..." A few tears managed to escape his eyes, and his voice cracked, because oh, he just wanted everything to be alright again. "I'm not better at all. I haven't been for a while, now..."

It was a sign of just how bad things were, that Ianto was telling Sulu he needed help. Ianto didn't ask for help; granted, Sulu usually offered it long before Ianto even asked, but right now Sulu had no idea how he could help, and he didn't want to offer it without a plan.

But Ianto was asking and Sulu held him tight, sitting back on his knees and pulling Ianto with him. All he wanted, all he and Ianto and Jack and John wanted was for Ianto to be better, to be alive and well and back to the way things were. And if Ianto was saying he needed help, that he needed Sulu's help to get better? Then Sulu would do whatever he needed to do.

"Of course," he murmured quietly, listening to how unsure and scared Ianto sounded and forcing himself to be stronger because of it. "Ianto, all I ever want is to help you. I'll... I'll talk to McCoy. See if he doesn't have any ideas. We're going to fix this." He paused, not wanting to say it, but he knew that his loyalties wouldn't allow him to ignore it. "You're going to need to tell Jack, if you haven't already."

Ianto let out a little sound at the mention of telling Jack. "I...I know..." he said, sadly, softly. He really didn't want to, though. Jack hadn't been doing as poorly as he had been when Ianto had been gone, people had reassured him of that. But Jack wasn't better. Jack was still coming apart at the seams sometimes, Ianto could tell, and he really didn't know what to do about it. Especially now that he was going to have to tell the other man that he'd been lying to him. Outright lying about how he felt, because Jack wasn't always as understanding as Sulu. It wasn't in his nature to be as understanding as that, and so Ianto had had to spin a few more tall tales with Jack than he had with Sulu. "I just...what am I going to tell him? How? Jack, he's not...I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt either of you."

Ianto sat there, cradled against Sulu, his hands still gripped in Sulu's shirt. And he might have let himself go a little bit, because of everything Sulu was offering. He should have known that the other man could go to Doctor McCoy, now that the other man was on the community. He just...he hadn't been able to connect two and two together, about that. He took in a deep, shuddering breath. "Do... Do you think McCoy can fix this?" he asked, softly, cautiously. He really didn't want to get his hopes up about anything at that moment, in case it didn't work, in case they couldn't come up with anything.

"I know you don't," Sulu said quietly, "I know you don't want to hurt either of us. But... he deserves to know that you're not feeling better." He knew that the other man was not going to take it well; without any way to fix it, Sulu thought the mere thought that Ianto was getting worse instead of better might send him into a state similar to how he'd acted after Ianto had died.

Still. Jack deserved to know. And he understood that Ianto had kept this from them to try and keep them from worrying, but now it was even worse. He wasn't going to say that, though; chances were that Ianto knew he'd messed up, and Sulu wasn't in the mood to be vindictive. At Ianto's question, he laughed a little, rubbing Ianto's back gently. "McCoy can fix anything."

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