torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

Ianto winced at the change in Sulu's tone, keeping his eyes averted from the other man so he could keep himself from looking as guilty as he felt. Any sort of anger and frustration building in the other man...Ianto knew that he deserved it. Deserved all of it. Because he'd been, well...not lying, but masking the truth from the other man for weeks now. Pretending to get better, pretending to be feeling better than he was. Sometimes it seemed like the only thing he wasn't pretending was how grateful he was that the other man had been there for him, and now he'd probably ruined every chance of that being the case as well, he thought, irrationally.

He shook his head at the question, carefully. Just because he was sitting down didn't mean that he couldn't make himself dizzy again. "No, I... I swear. I've...this is the first time that I've actually passed out, since you brought me back." He realized belatedly that he hadn't denied feeling like he was going to pass out before though, and mentally kicked himself for it.

Sulu didn't know what he wanted to do right then. He knew from how Ianto had responded that, while he'd never passed out before, he'd been close to it before, and that made him ache. To think that he hadn't even noticed it... and that Ianto had hidden it from him. He wondered if Ianto had been doing that to keep Sulu from feeling terrible, and realized that it really, really hadn't worked.

"But you've felt like it," he said quietly. "Ianto - have you even been feeling better at all?" His hands moved to Ianto's shoulders, because he didn't want to be petting his hair any more. He was trying to keep from moving away, and this was the only way to do it. "You have to tell me, right now. How long have you been feeling like this?"

Ianto didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to react. How was he supposed to tell the man in front of him that he hadn't really been feeling better at all, that he'd been pretending in an attempt to make himself believe that he was, even if he wasn't really. In an attempt to try and make Sulu himself feel better about the fact that he'd brought him back. He didn't want Sulu to feel guilty about it, or Jack, but. He knew that that had been a stupid thought, as Sulu gripped his shoulders.

He didn't bring his eyes up to look at the other man, really not wanting to know what his reaction was going to be to his next words. Even though Sulu had figured it out at least to some extent, there was a part of him that still wanted to protect the other man from how bad things had gotten, even if that didn't make any sense. Ianto's mind wasn't really making a whole lot of sense, anymore, as it were. "I... I'm fine," he said, swallowing as he lied through his teeth, "really. I just. I forgot to get lunch, so I got a little light headed when I stood up, that's...that's all..."

Sulu took his hands away then, pulling back from Ianto as his stomach lurched. Ianto's pokerface wasn't doing him any good now that Sulu was seeing that there was something really wrong, and it honestly hurt him to think that Ianto was lying - still lying, and had been lying all this time. He sat back heavily, running a hand through his hair and closing his eyes, breathing deeply.

Unable to keep the tension out of his voice now, he almost regretted how angry and upset he sounded. "You're lying," he said, firmly and seriously. He didn't want to play this game, he wanted a straight answer from the other man. "Ianto, just tell me if you haven't been feeling better."

A muscle in Ianto's jaw clenched as Sulu pulled back from him, his heart tightening as he heard the note in Sulu's voice, how much this was getting to the other man. That's why he'd tried to keep it from him for as long as possible. Because...because he hadn't wanted to upset him. Not like this, especially not now. He should have just agreed to have the other man bring him dinner in bed. Then he could have at least kept the pretense up for a bit longer.

He kept his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him, moving to brace himself up now that Sulu wasn't there to hold on to him anymore. He felt sad, and sick, and just tired. So tired that he knew that everything wasn't effecting him the way it should, and that frightened him more. Brought up the fear of the fact that...he couldn't be as frightened should be, he just didn't have the energy to do so anymore. What was there to say, though? Sulu'd figured it out, and now there was no saving grace for him. "...I tried to keep from lying to you as much as I could," he said, quietly. "It... It's not lying if I just change the subject..." Never mind that that was exactly what he was trying to do in that moment.

Sulu groaned and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands. This was ridiculous. Ianto was trying to dig himself out of a hole that he was instead only making worse. Trying to keep from lying to him? Sulu couldn't believe he'd think he needed to lie at all. What did he think Sulu would do?

He had no way of knowing what Ianto had been thinking and that just made it hurt more. Some things, all right, Sulu could handle not being told some things. But this was - this was Ianto's health. The one thing Sulu cared about more than anything else this past month, and Ianto was lying to him about it.

With a quiet, strangled noise, Sulu found his voice and said, "I can't believe this. I can't believe you. Why in the hell did you not tell me? We could have been doing something about this!"

Ianto hung his head as Sulu started to get upset at him. He understood why the other man felt that way, and he didn't really blame him, honestly. But he really had been trying to protect that other man--trying to protect both of them from what he was slowly coming to think of as the inevitable. That this thing was going to kill him all over again, and there wouldn't be a damned thing that either of them could do about it.

He carefully pulled his knees in closer, folding his legs in front of himself, putting his hands in his lap as he tried to figure out something to say in response to the other man, but he couldn't think of anything that was really worth saying, anything that would possibly placate the other man. What was done was done, and now he was left to deal with the consequences that...Sulu had found out that he wasn't okay at all.

"I... I didn't want to upset you," he said, quietly. "In case...in case this was all there was. In case this was it..." Because John hadn't been able to find anything. They'd been talking for weeks now, about it, and the fact of the matter was that John just hadn't come up with anything new. And he was getting worse. He just...he wasn't sure that he wanted to tell Sulu he'd been trying to fix things behind his back, and that it wasn't working. He wasn't sure how much more angry that would make the other man, to be honest.

Sulu couldn't help but let out a small, strained laugh at that, shaking his head in his hands. Ianto hadn't wanted to upset him? Sulu could understand that. Of course he could. But if he'd just been honest, they could have looked for help. They could have done something before this, before Ianto could hardly even stand.

"You should've told me," he said quietly, though a little fiercely, "Damn it, Ianto, you should've told me before. Because now I really am upset. I've been acting like an idiot this past month, thinking things were getting better when they weren't." He sighed and pulled at his hair, head tilting side-to-side slowly. "Now. God, Ianto," he said, finally looking up, realizing that the anger he'd felt just moments before was dissipating into fear. "I might not be able to do anything now. It might be too late and I don't want to lose you again."

Ianto hated the tone of voice that Sulu had adopted, the fear a million times worse than the anger had been just a second ago. "I tried to fix things," he said, miserably, shutting his eyes. "I tried to get better, I really did. I did everything that John said I should. I rested all day, I haven't left the flat since I came home... I've cut my caffeine intake, I've been taking those baths, and... Nothing's been working. Nothing's working, and John isn't finding anything, and I..."

Ianto sat forward, pulling his knees up to his chest to rest his head on, wrapping his arms around his legs to hold himself there. "I'm sorry," he said, softly, quietly. He just felt so... Empty. Now that the pretending was gone, it was like someone had cut his strings, and it...wasn't a good feeling, to feel like he'd just lost his last hope. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't want... I don't want..." Tears sprang to his eyes, and Ianto was surprised that he could even still muster them, frankly. "I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to go back there. I just... I didn't know what to do..."

Sulu wanted to be angry, to be pissed off at Ianto for hiding this from him, for risking his life so soon after being brought back and for keeping it from Sulu. He wanted to be mad so he wouldn't feel terrified all over again; he wasn't used to the feeling and he didn't want to get used to it. Anger was a good, solid emotion that wasn't weak and horrifying. But he couldn't - he couldn't stay angry. He couldn't stay upset when Ianto was starting to panic himself, when Sulu could hear him starting to lose it.

"I know you don't," he said quietly. An apology for getting mad at all was almost out of his mouth but he held it back, because for once it really, honestly wasn't in him to give an apology for how he was feeling. What he was feeling was natural and honestly expected. "I know you don't want to go back, nobody wants you to go back." He pushed himself out of his position, shuffling forward on his knees until he could lean in and wrap his arms around Ianto. "I don't want you to leave again and I will do anything to keep that from happening. I promise." He just didn't know how, quite yet.

Ianto shuddered as Sulu's arms wrapped around him. He hadn't wanted the other man to know, had kept him in the dark because he wanted to protect him, keep him from everything that was going on in hopes that he could just fix it, that he could just get better, and then he wouldn't have to worry Sulu. But...it was looking more and more like that was not going to be the case. Especially now that Sulu knew. And. It was horrible that Sulu knew, it was, because now he knew that he'd been keeping everything from him, he was going to find how much he'd been keeping, but at the same time... He was so glad to finally have the other man know, finally be able to just let go, for once.

He sucked in a shaky breath, reaching up to bunch his fingers in Sulu's shirt, tucking his head forward against Sulu's shoulder. And in his moment of weakness, he did the bravest thing he could possibly think of. "I... I can't do this anymore," he said, brokenly. "I thought it would be okay. I thought I could...but I was wrong. I was wrong, and I..." He shuddered again in Sulu's arms. "I need...I need your help. Because I...I really can't do any of this alone anymore. I..." A few tears managed to escape his eyes, and his voice cracked, because oh, he just wanted everything to be alright again. "I'm not better at all. I haven't been for a while, now..."

It was a sign of just how bad things were, that Ianto was telling Sulu he needed help. Ianto didn't ask for help; granted, Sulu usually offered it long before Ianto even asked, but right now Sulu had no idea how he could help, and he didn't want to offer it without a plan.

But Ianto was asking and Sulu held him tight, sitting back on his knees and pulling Ianto with him. All he wanted, all he and Ianto and Jack and John wanted was for Ianto to be better, to be alive and well and back to the way things were. And if Ianto was saying he needed help, that he needed Sulu's help to get better? Then Sulu would do whatever he needed to do.

"Of course," he murmured quietly, listening to how unsure and scared Ianto sounded and forcing himself to be stronger because of it. "Ianto, all I ever want is to help you. I'll... I'll talk to McCoy. See if he doesn't have any ideas. We're going to fix this." He paused, not wanting to say it, but he knew that his loyalties wouldn't allow him to ignore it. "You're going to need to tell Jack, if you haven't already."

Ianto let out a little sound at the mention of telling Jack. "I...I know..." he said, sadly, softly. He really didn't want to, though. Jack hadn't been doing as poorly as he had been when Ianto had been gone, people had reassured him of that. But Jack wasn't better. Jack was still coming apart at the seams sometimes, Ianto could tell, and he really didn't know what to do about it. Especially now that he was going to have to tell the other man that he'd been lying to him. Outright lying about how he felt, because Jack wasn't always as understanding as Sulu. It wasn't in his nature to be as understanding as that, and so Ianto had had to spin a few more tall tales with Jack than he had with Sulu. "I just...what am I going to tell him? How? Jack, he's not...I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt either of you."

Ianto sat there, cradled against Sulu, his hands still gripped in Sulu's shirt. And he might have let himself go a little bit, because of everything Sulu was offering. He should have known that the other man could go to Doctor McCoy, now that the other man was on the community. He just...he hadn't been able to connect two and two together, about that. He took in a deep, shuddering breath. "Do... Do you think McCoy can fix this?" he asked, softly, cautiously. He really didn't want to get his hopes up about anything at that moment, in case it didn't work, in case they couldn't come up with anything.

"I know you don't," Sulu said quietly, "I know you don't want to hurt either of us. But... he deserves to know that you're not feeling better." He knew that the other man was not going to take it well; without any way to fix it, Sulu thought the mere thought that Ianto was getting worse instead of better might send him into a state similar to how he'd acted after Ianto had died.

Still. Jack deserved to know. And he understood that Ianto had kept this from them to try and keep them from worrying, but now it was even worse. He wasn't going to say that, though; chances were that Ianto knew he'd messed up, and Sulu wasn't in the mood to be vindictive. At Ianto's question, he laughed a little, rubbing Ianto's back gently. "McCoy can fix anything."

Ianto pressed himself closer to Sulu, seeking out the comfort that the other man was offering him. He couldn't not, especially when it was freely given. He shuddered as Sulu rubbed his back, gently reassuring him about his CMO. Ianto had only met the man once, and only really talked to him a handful of times. McCoy didn't even remember when they met, either, so. Once again, he'd be laying his life out in the hands of someone he barely even knew. Sulu trusted him, Sulu swore by him, and yet...

"Are you sure he can fix this?" Ianto asked, quietly. "I mean. I don't...we don't even know what's wrong with me... What... What if this is the amulet? What if this is, I don't know, a magic problem, or something? What..." His breath caught, but he had to force the words out, because he was talking, he was being honest, and so this needed to be said. "What if this is happening because...I wasn't meant to come back?" he asked, clinging tightly to Sulu, trying to keep himself in check, keep his emotions from that moment from getting the better of him and taking over his rational thought and actions.

Sulu stiffened at Ianto's words, the idea giving him momentary pause. Sulu didn't really believe in fate or destiny, not really. He allowed the belief once in a while, if it helped him cope with things, but... he couldn't allow that idea any free range. It was laughable, that some kind of force was saying Ianto shouldn't be allowed to live. As it was, Sulu thought it was bullshit that he had died at all. It was too random and too sudden, and if that was how fate wanted to play it, then it could get the hell out of their lives.

"No," Sulu said, reaching a hand up to stroke Ianto's hair, "This is happening because none of us, not even Merlin, were completely clear about how the amulet works. This has nothing to do with whether or not you're supposed to be doing anything. If McCoy can't fix it, if it's because of the amulet - well, then, we'll talk to Merlin, or any of the other magic users on the community." He pulled back a little, moving his hand from Ianto's hair to his chin, trying to get Ianto to look up at him, to see the determination and honesty in his expression. "If I need to, I will... I'll find that Doctor guy, and I'll make him fix this. One way or another, I am fixing this."

Ianto shut his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Sulu's hand in his hair once more, eternally grateful that the other man had forgiven him enough to be sitting with him like this once more. He knew that what he'd done in keeping how bad things were getting from the other two men was probably one of the stupidest things he could do, but. If he could go back and do it again, he probably would've done the exact thing over. He wasn't thinking straight at the time, he couldn't think straight, and he'd just wanted to spare the other two from any added worrying on his account. Fat lot of good that'd done him though, apparently.

Ianto brought his eyes up to meet Sulu's when Sulu tilted his chin up, the first time that day that he'd really looked the other man in the eyes. He looked a bit of a mess, by his own standards, having stayed in bed quite literally all day, and he felt even worse, but there was Sulu, promising him that he'd march up to the Doctor and demand him to fix things, even though Ianto knew Jack already had and the Doctor had refused, even though Sulu'd probably never even met the man, that he'd be willing to try again anyway... "I don't want to disappoint you if we can't find a cure," he said, looking into Sulu's eyes sadly. It was one of the reasons he'd kept his health hidden from the other man for so long, after all.

"You're never going to disappoint me," Sulu said immediately, nearly cutting off Ianto's sentence. He knew that might be a bit strong, and that Ianto could very well do something to disappoint him, but he couldn't imagine what. Even this, holding the truth from him for so long, wasn't disappointing. Not really, at least; he could see the logic behind it, however warped it might've been.

"I need you to do something for me," he said after a moment, keeping his eyes on Ianto's and thinking just how gorgeous the man was, even sick and exhausted and scared like he was now. "I need you to keep faith, okay? I don't care if you have to force yourself to hope for the best, but I need you to believe that this is going to turn out all right. I'm... I haven't been in good form, lately. I can't do it on my own, be optimistic for you, Jack, and myself. Can you try, for me?" He knew it was a long shot, but he needed Ianto to realize that he could be honest with himself, that he could realize things weren't better, but also know that they would be.

Ianto found it very unlikely that he'd never disappoint the other man. Sulu was very kind and very understanding, but Ianto couldn't believe that he'd be understanding of everything. He knew sometimes that his reasoning could get a little ridiculous. Especially when it was something concerning himself; he'd grown up with only himself to keep an eye out for himself, and he still wasn't used to the fact that well. That he had people like Sulu and Jack who cared for him a lot, and really wouldn't mind if he asked them to do things for him.

At Sulu's question, Ianto raised a hand and put it on the side of Sulu's face, cupping the corner of his jaw and running his thumb over the other man's cheek. He knew that his hand was freezing on Sulu's skin, and that it had to be a little uncomfortable for the other man, but. He was moving, he was touching him. He was still alive, and well. If Sulu was admitting that he, the king of optimism, couldn't hold it together on his own without Ianto's help, then Ianto was going to try and help. Sulu had done so much for him already, it the least he could do for Sulu, to try and keep a fresh mind about things. "I can try," he said, softly. "You know me. It... It won't be easy. But... For you, for Jack, for all of us... I can certainly try."

Despite how cold Ianto's skin was, Sulu didn't flinch away or even really register it. All he noticed was that Ianto was touching him for the first time since he'd gotten there, other than to hold Sulu's hand. He couldn't help but smile at it, tilting his head into his touch slightly.

"I know it's going to be hard," he said quietly, reaching out to rest his fingers under Ianto's jaw, feeling out his pulse. "But as long as you've got a pulse, there's going to be a way to help you. Remember that." He'd have time to be mad later, after all this was over. He could tell Ianto off after he felt better, for hiding all this from him and Jack. He was a hypocrite, he knew, because he preferred to do things on his own, but still. He'd be too relieved not to want to get a little frustrated at the other man. Right now, though, he was too focused on reassuring Ianto that things would work out to do anything other than feel for his pulse and smile at him, sad as it may have looked.

Indeed, Ianto did still have a pulse, and it beat strong and steady underneath Sulu's fingertips. Maybe it was a little slow, but that wasn't anything too horrible. It would explain why Ianto was having trouble keeping himself awake, though, why he was having trouble when he tried to move around. His blood pressure was supposed to speed up as he started to do more strenuous things, and it just...wasn't. Not anymore. Rather than just getting winded, like before, it made him pass out. Which wasn't good, really. But at least he still had a pulse.

"Yeah," he said, managing his own sad smile back at the other man, "I'll try. I really will." In trying to be optimistic, though, he was going to have to be completely honest with the other man. Lies and optimism didn't go well together, not even in practice. He shifted his thumb to stroke Sulu's cheek again. Luckily, his body still seemed to heat up at the contact of other warm things, like it was supposed to, and so his hand was not nearly as cold as it had been moments ago. It was still freezing, but. Better.

"You know," he said softly, "you're going to have to explain everything to Doctor McCoy, then. He's going to have to know at least the basics of everything..." He trailed off, although he hoped it was clear that...if they needed more answers, answers he hadn't given Sulu yet, he was prepared to give them. Even now...if Sulu had questions, he was going to answer them. Now that the secret was out, he was through with hiding. ...well. Hiding this particular issue, at least.

Sulu understood the implications of what Ianto was saying, and honestly, he was grateful for it. He wasn't even sure if he needed to know anything more than he already did, but... at this point, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to get an idea of how Ianto was feeling in general. He wouldn't mind knowing, and besides, he knew McCoy would ask about it.

So, he moved his hand up to Ianto's hair, brushing through it before pulling him closer to give him a slow kiss. "Yeah," he said after a moment of just enjoying the feeling of Ianto's lips on his. "He'll want to know how you've been feeling. Symptoms. He'll want to know how... this all happened, too - I'll have to send him to the videos." He frowned slightly, not wanting to even think about it, but unable not to. He hated the fact that, instead of just hearing how it happened, he had seen it in full video.

The videos... Ianto'd forgotten about the community posting the videos of their dealings with the 456. He hadn't wanted to look back into the archives of the community, having lived the moments himself. Even when the community had first posted them, he hadn't really watched them, had all but forgotten about them. But at Sulu's mentioning of them, especially in reference to explaining what happened to Doctor McCoy, Ianto suddenly wondered...if there had been a video of that day, too. It would have made sense. Everyone had found out he'd died somehow, and it hadn't been through some large announcement made by Jack or Sulu or Gwen, that was for sure.

"...is that how you knew, then?" Ianto asked, softly. He had known that there were cameras in the room with them and the 456, he'd been watching footage from those very cameras, but. The idea that one of them had hooked up to the community and recorded his death was...just plain eerie. As if the community had known. "You...you saw it in a video that was posted to the community? Is that how you found out?" Ianto needed to know if that was the case. And if it was...he needed to fix this. He needed to put things right again. He couldn't even imagine running across a video like that, himself, he just couldn't.

Sulu winced a little, not having realized that of course Ianto wouldn't know about the video. Of course he wouldn't have any idea... God, did he even know what had happened after? Had Jack told him - or Gwen? He himself barely even understood what had happened, it was impossible for him to tell Ianto how Jack had defeated the 456 with any real accuracy.

After a short moment, he nodded. "Yeah," he said quietly, "it... The community showed it. Showed everything." He shrugged slightly before ducking his head against Ianto's shoulder, closing his eyes because it really hadn't been the best way to learn about it. He'd watched it and there was nothing he could have done. It could have happened in real time, for all he knew... And all he could do was watch it.

This time it was Ianto's turn to bring a hand up to run through Sulu's hair, trying to do his best to comfort the other man. "I... I'm sorry," he said, quietly. "I'm so sorry that that's how things worked out. That...that that's how you found out. That...that you had to see that." No one had warned Sulu against checking the community that day, and for all Ianto knew, he could have been watching it real-time. He was extremely grateful that Sulu hadn't been there with him, to die by the hands of the 456, but. That probably hadn't made it any easier on the other man, to stumble on something like that.

He supposed that at least that way, Sulu had known what had happened, and hadn't been left wondering. That Jack hadn't had to tell him, because who knows if Jack could have. And if Sulu hadn't known, then there was a good chance that Jack would have disappeared, and Ianto himself wouldn't be there, today. Not without the pair of them working together to bring him back.

"...at least we have it for moments like this," he said, trying this seeing on the brighter side of things bit on for size. "Doctor McCoy will get a much better idea of what went on with a video than he could ever get with just me describing it. It... It's a valuable resource that not many other people are provided with." That still didn't mean that Ianto himself had any intention of ever seeing the video himself. He was there, he knew what had happened, and once was enough, he didn't need Jack's tears to break his heart all over again.

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