torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

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[RL WITH SULU]

It'd been a week. A week since that first day that he'd come back from the hospital, and Sulu had had to help him around his flat. A week, most of which he'd spent in a sort of semi-conscious, fatigued and weary state, shuffling about trying to get the necessary things done, but only just succeeding. As Ianto sat on the edge of his bed, just having gotten up from what had been his second nap of the day, and not feeling any better after having taken it, the world spinning around him from having sat up too fast, even though he'd paced himself and been extra careful not to, Ianto had the sinking feeling that in that whole week, he hadn't gotten better at all. Sulu had stuck around until his leave had been up, like he said he would, and then once he'd left, Jack had popped in a few times during the day to help out with chores (he was surprisingly good at doing the dishes and the laundry) and then at night to lie with him (even if Jack didn't sleep and Ianto felt like he was wasting the other man's time). And yet. In that whole week, nothing had changed. Nothing had gotten better. And Ianto was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired, and Jack was great to have around, but. He didn't really understand what it was like to be ill, and sometimes that wore on Ianto even more than not having him around at all.

And now, as the sun was setting, and Jack was off on a sudden call to London, Gwen doing god knows what with Rhys, Ianto wasn't about to disturb their peace, it was all starting to get at Ianto. The darkness was creeping in, and he was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't getting better at all. That maybe he'd never get better. Maybe this was how things would be, from now on. Maybe the darkness really would come for him, because it didn't seem like it would ever really let him go again, and Ianto swallowed against the swell of panic rising in his stomach. He... He couldn't do this. He knew that he didn't want to bother Sulu. That he had specifically refrained from calling him out of the blue for anything since he'd left to go back to his ship, instead waiting for Sulu himself to make the first contact, but. He. He really needed someone there with him. Someone real. Someone who understood and could chase the demons away like he promised he would. And so Ianto did the only thing that he could think of to help, and pulled out his phone to dial the number to Sulu's comm.

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"I'm not upset at you," Sulu said, momentarily staggered by Ianto's words and the voice he'd used. Even at his worse, Ianto had never been this bad and it was all Sulu's fault, for not thinking about every possibility when it came to bringing him back, for not preparing a solution to every possible variable like he would have if he'd been smart about it. And he wanted to tell Ianto that, he wanted to apologize for letting him come back when Sulu had no idea how to fix everything for him, but he knew that Ianto would just feel worse for that and he couldn't do that to him.

"I'm not upset because of you," he repeated, resigned but firm. "I'm upset because I can't do anything, and that. It's. ...I hate that I can't help you. I hate it. And I let myself take that out on you and that is my fault, that has nothing to do with you or how you're feeling. You have every right to be angry at me, because I'm being the worst kind of person in the world just because I feel useless."

Ianto's hand tightened on his shirt. "You're not. Not useless. Not to me." He tried to get himself to calm down, taking in deep breaths, but still shuddering every now and then as another sob shook his frame. "If. If you're useless, then. I'm..." He sucked in another hiccuping breath of air. He couldn't even make it up and down the stairs himself without needing a rest. If Sulu was useless, then Ianto was beyond hope. He shook his head. "I need you. I need you here. With me. That's not. That's not useless."

After a few more moments of sitting there, trying to collect himself, the cold really was starting to get to him, and he shivered violently. He hadn't even noticed while he was sitting there, but now that he could feel how warm Sulu was. "I need..." He sucked in a breath, trying to calm himself down. "I... It's cold. I'm cold. I. Take...take me inside? I want to go inside. With you." Ianto wasn't sure he was quite ready to make the trek upstairs to the bedroom, but. The couch was comfortable for sitting with each other, and he wasn't about to try going to sleep quite just yet.

Sulu didn't know how Ianto couldn't see just how completely useless he was here. He couldn't even be there when Ianto needed him to be there; all he could do was come four hours late and be short with him like an ass. How was that useful? How was that even remotely helpful to Ianto?

But when Ianto asked to go inside, all he could think was that yes, damn it, if that's what you want. It was the smallest, most stupid thing to feel useful over but he grabbed it anyway, holding the simple request as though it were a direct command. "Of course," he whispered, "Anything. Anything you want, I swear."

Carefully, he moved to stand, his hands gripping Ianto's arms to help pull him up, as slowly as he needed, blankets be damned. He'd pick them up and bring them inside once Ianto was in, and then he'd never leave. ...But he had to. He had to go. He couldn't keep putting off his job for Ianto, he had responsibilities. He could only hope that he could stay long enough to make a difference.

Ianto stood, gingerly, grateful for Sulu's hands there to help pull him up, because he was stiff from sitting on the doorstep to his back garden for far too long. As he straightened, the blankets dropping to the ground as neither of his hands were free to keep them on, and he shivered violently against the cold night air. It had been chilly, even for this time of year, and without the added protection of the blankets around him, Ianto's t-shirt didn't stand a chance at fighting off the night breezes.

Ianto leaned into Sulu's support as they made their way back into his flat, through the kitchen and into the living room. Rather than letting Sulu continue to guide him upstairs to the bedroom, though, Ianto veered sideways, making it clear that he wanted to stay on the first floor, in the living room. As Sulu guided Ianto to the couch, he sank down on one end, shivering, keeping a tight grip on Sulu's hands even after he was seated. He didn't want to let go, but also really needed the other man to fetch the blankets from where they'd left them. So he looked up at Sulu, his blue eyes wide, sad, and very lost, still full of tears, and asked him, "...sit with me? When you get back? I. Please?"

Sulu made no move to pull away from Ianto as he sat, keeping close and holding his hands, pulling them to his chest briefly as he leaned over to kiss Ianto's forehead. "Anything you want," he murmured, "I'll sit with you for as long as you want." All he had to do was get the blankets for Ianto and then he would sit and keep Ianto company and try his best to help fix whatever damage the last four hours of his absence had caused.

He practically jogged to the back door, picking up the blankets and brushing off bits of dirt before taking them inside, closing the back door behind him. He paused for just a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep, shuddering breath, because he needed to be strong right now, more than anything, and then he continued to the living room, sitting down in the middle of the sofa before handing the blankets over. As he had all that time ago, when they'd first gotten together in the hospital, Sulu stayed close to Ianto, not wanting to give an illusion of separation.

"Here you go," he said as he handed the blankets to Ianto, letting him adjust however he liked before handing over any more, "That'll help keep you warm." He could help, too, but he didn't know how much Ianto really wanted him around right then.

Ianto shifted closer to Sulu on the couch, pressing up against his side, resting his head on the other man's shoulder, pulling the blankets over both of them, even though he knew Sulu probably wasn't that cold in that moment. He was, and the added heat of Sulu under the blankets would heat everything up a lot faster, he knew, so. He reached, taking Sulu's closest hand in his own, his skin ice cold to the touch, he knew, as he shivered and tried to draw as much warmth from the other man as quickly as he could.

After a long moment, when Ianto was pretty sure he had most of the crying done, the tears once again under control, he let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and relaxing against Sulu's shoulder. He felt like he needed to explain himself, but. No, of course Sulu would listen to him, this time. He'd just been busy, earlier. There hadn't been time for long explanations. Ianto had to remind himself of that fiercely before he could speak. "I... I'm sorry," he said, softly. "It's. It's been... It's been a bad day." And not just because no one had been around. Jack wasn't around for the majority of the day each of the days he'd spent home from the hospital, but. Ianto had felt more sick than usual on this day. And maybe it was all in his head, but it had sent him spiraling down a very horrible train of thought that, well, had led them to where they were, right there and then.

Sulu practically sagged into Ianto as he curled up with him under the blankets, pulling them so that they were comfortably spread over both of them while giving the majority to Ianto. He needed it more than Sulu did, after all - he was so, so cold. Like he'd been on the way to the hospital. Sulu shivered himself and reached, twisting to put an arm around Ianto and still keep their hands clasped. He wished he'd gotten Ianto in sooner. He didn't even know how long the other man had been out there - for all he knew, he could have been out there for the whole four hours.

He wished Ianto wouldn't apologize to him. None of this, none of this was his fault, and he didn't want him to think that it was. But he knew, also, that trying to tell him not to apologize would be useless, just as Ianto telling him had done nothing to ease his fear or guilt. "It's okay," he said instead, rubbing his thumb over Ianto's ice cold hand. He twisted his neck to get a good look at Ianto, as good as he could with how they were positioned. "Tell me about it?"

Ianto shut his eyes, breathing deeply as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say to the other man. He didn't really want to let him know that he wasn't feeling any better than he had the week before, even if it was pretty obvious just by looking at him, by the way he had been acting. He needed to make a note to try and make himself seem better, it was just. Today, he couldn't seem to do it. He'd been doing so much better about it, but then Jack had left him for London and the prospect of an empty flat just left him...

"Jack's in London," he said, softly. "Haven't seen him all day. Haven't seen anyone all day. I... I don't know if it was because everyone else was busy or whether I just. I mean. It. It was so quiet. So lonely. So much like...like there that I..." He tried to get his explanation out without saying anything about the fact that this was all centered around him not feeling any better. He didn't want Sulu to know that his health hadn't improved at all. Sure, he still looked tired, and sick, but. That didn't mean that Sulu would know that nothing had changed, right? Ianto shivered again, pressing himself closer to the other man, hoping that it wasn't as obvious as he seemed to think it was that he was holding something back in that explanation.

Sulu made a quiet, calming sound when Ianto trailed off, the hand Ianto was holding on to clutching back at him tightly. Sulu had no idea what Ianto was going through, not really, but even then, his explanation wasn't a surprise to him. Sulu could tell that sometimes Ianto... thought about it, maybe without meaning to. Thought about the dark and whatever was there, waiting for him, waiting to hurt him and it made Sulu angry. What kind of afterlife was that?

He knew that having things making noise all over the flat wasn't going to help. There wasn't going to be something to fix, not so simply. Knowing that, he didn't know what to say. How to make things even a little better for Ianto. "I'm sorry," he said once again, relying on what he could do, "I know... I know this is hard for you. I want to be able to help you when things get that bad, I just. ...You're still freezing," he said quietly, because Ianto was still cold, and he might've set back any positive developments by sitting out there for so long. He didn't even question that Ianto was getting better - he had to be.

Ianto turned his head so that his forehead rested against Sulu's shoulder. God, even his nose was cold, he found out, as he felt it warming from the contact with the other man. "I... I don't know how long I've been out there," he confided in Sulu. "I... It didn't feel quite so bad when I could hear other people. I...guess that I sort of lost track of the time." He shivered, pressing himself as close as he could, given the way that they were sitting. He wanted to wrap himself around Sulu and steal all the warmth that he was giving, but. There was still something awkward between the two of them. Ianto felt awkward, especially, for crying at him, for making him feel bad, for...for needing him so much, and even after having been hurt by him, being so grateful that he was finally there.

Ianto was starting to shiver continuously, now that he was warming up. "Sorry," he said, apologizing for the motion of it, and the fact that he was basically clinging to the other man, relying on him for support and warmth as he rode it out, his body struggling to bring itself back to some semblance of a normal temperature. Or, well. As close as it had been managing, lately. "I... I am pretty cold. It. It had to be about 5 degrees out there. I should've known better..."

Sulu couldn't help but jump at the cold as Ianto pressed his face against his shoulder. He winced and began rubbing Ianto's shoulder, trying to help him warm up as quickly as possible. He hated how cold Ianto was. It wasn't... it scared him, he knew, but it went beyond just a fear of him catching something. It made him wonder if Ianto was always going to run cold like this, forever, more than he had before.

Pushing the thoughts away again, Sulu smiled weakly at Ianto's comments. "Don't apologize, it's okay. We'll just get you warmed up and then..." And then what? What was there to do, when Ianto was feeling as bad as he did? Sulu paused, then asked, "How have you been feeling, lately?" Because right now, yes, Ianto looked just as bad as ever, but it couldn't possibly be the norm for him. No part of Sulu wanted to believe that.

Ianto sighed, both at the question, but also in relief because Sulu's rubbing his shoulder was helping him warm up. He could only hope to hide the first reason behind the second one, and hope that Sulu wouldn't notice. "Mmm," he said, in response to Sulu's actions, letting out a soft noise of approval as he did start to warmer than he had before.

How to answer Sulu's question without outright lying to him, though? Ianto had promised himself that he wouldn't outright lie to the other man, and he intended to keep that promise. It...didn't cover implying something other than the truth, he decided, but. Outright lying was out, and that would be difficult, especially in this situation. "I... I've been alright. Cold. Still tired, but. I mean, I guess that's to be expected. I... I think things're getting better, I just. I guess today's just a bit of a relapse, it seems," he said, trying to cover for the fact that he couldn't pretend to be better like he'd been doing for the last week, when Sulu and Jack had been visiting.

Sulu took what Ianto was saying at face value, not thinking (or wanting to consider) that he might be hiding the truth. He nodded, resting his chin on top of Ianto's head. "That's okay. You're probably not just going to wake up one day and be completely healthy all of a sudden. Even in my time, that's not really possible." Not without lots of hyposprays and a very persistent CMO, at least. "We'll just take it one day at a time, and it'll work out."

He didn't know if he believed that, really, but his optimism had always brought good results and he wasn't about to abandon it now, when he needed it most. He would just work with what they had and hope for the best, because that was really all he could do. "Until then, though. I'll... I'll see if I can't talk to Jim about fixing my schedule until your better, so I can be available during your nights. I think he might be okay with it, now that he knows about the community again." He hoped, at least.

Ianto paused, lifting his head from Sulu's shoulder to look the man in the eyes for probably the first time that day, wanting to make sure that he had heard him right, honestly surprised that Sulu was even suggesting something like that. "You..." he said, his eyes wide and impossibly blue as couldn't help but look a little surprised at Sulu. "You'd actually do that...?" he asked. He understood what his job meant to Sulu. He understood how much he loved it, how much a part of his life it was, and. To have the other man try to work his work schedule out around Ianto himself... He wasn't sure what to make of it.

Not...that he didn't want Sulu to do so. He'd really appreciate it if he could. He loved Jack, but Jack...Jack was restless at nights, Jack looked at him with sad eyes and hesitant smiles and Ianto wanted to do something to fix that but until he got better he couldn't, and so it was just frustrating, the pair of them holding each other at arm's length. At least Sulu wasn't pushing Ianto away, even if Ianto himself might have been doing a little pushing in the opposite direction.

Sulu nodded, smiling. It would be strange to work with a different bridge shift for a while, but he wasn't afraid of it. He knew all of the navigators and got on with them well enough - and who knew, if he asked, Chekov might switch with him as well. And it wouldn't be permanent. He knew that Ianto was going to get better - he had to - and so it wasn't as though he would be changing his entire group of friends and colleagues for the rest of the voyage.

...And even if he did, he knew it would be worth it. "I would. I don't want to leave you alone when you might need me the most, like I've done today. It's not that hard to do, not with Jim at least." He paused, frowning, biting his lip a moment before asking, "I mean, would that - me coming over at night. You'd be okay with that?" Even though he felt he knew the answer, after the way he'd acted today he wasn't quite sure.

Ianto wasn't sure what to make of that, really. He wasn't used to people going out of their way to do things for him. Well, no. He wasn't used to knowing about people going out of their way to do things for him. Especially things that he would really appreciate a lot, like Sulu being able to spend nights with him. "Yeah. I... Of course I'd be okay with that. Would. I mean, would you be okay with that? I mean. I'm not sure that I..." He ducked his head. "I could stay with you sometimes, too, if you like. I just..."

Ianto was honestly surprised that he had enough blood flow to his face in order to blush, but apparently he did. "I mean. I'd like that. More than any other option so far, but. I. I don't want you to have to go so far out of your way on my account... And. I mean. You're probably going to have to explain everything to Jim." Assuming he hadn't already. Ianto didn't actually know. He hadn't mentioned it, and Jim hadn't seemed to recognize who Ianto himself was as of yet, so. He was willing to bet that Sulu hadn't.

Edited 2010-11-19 06:05 (UTC)

Sulu felt inexplicably ashamed at himself at Ianto's reaction. The fact that he was willing to do this for Ianto was, okay, a big step in his own life, but he wished that he had been more open and more accomodating for Ianto before now. It felt bad, to know that Ianto was surprised at the things he'd do for him, because he knew it meant he simply hadn't done enough yet to prove how much he cared for the other man. And since the words stuck in his throat, how the hell else was he supposed to show it? He hadn't done a very good job so far, though, and that was a depressing thought.

"I'd be fine with it," he said quietly, trying not to sound as guilty as he felt, "I'll explain enough to Jim to prove that it's important to me, and he's a good man. He'll understand that it's only temporary. I know the rest of the helm crew enough to be able to integrate into a different shift. If you want me to do it, Ianto, consider it done."

Ianto turned his gaze back up to Sulu, pulling back even further to look at him properly in the eyes once more, shaking his head. "No," he said, firmly. "You're not going to do this because I want you to. It doesn't matter if you're fine with it. You need to want to do this too, or..." He bit his lip, frowning at Sulu. "I won't let you make sacrifices for me that you're only 'fine with' making, Sulu. You...you have to want it too..."

Ianto trailed off, sitting up a little straighter, not leaning on Sulu as much because frankly. He was embarrassed with how forceful that had come out of his mouth. Not that it wasn't true, every single word of it was, and yet. He hoped that he hadn't been too harsh. That was all he needed. Making the other man feel guilty about his job, having him come out of his way to come down and spend time with him only to cry on him and then order him around. Ianto felt awkward with just about everything in that moment, and he didn't really like that. He wanted to have the other man around, but. If Sulu didn't want to be there, if he was just there because he thought he should be, then. Then Ianto would rather he just leave.

Sulu was also surprised at Ianto's forcefulness, but he didn't find it too harsh. The tone, yes, but he knew what Ianto was saying, he understood what he meant and why he was saying it. So, he just smiled a little, wryly, and shook his head. Tilting his head a bit, he raised a brow and said, "Ianto, I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to do it. I don't want to leave you alone at night, not if it's when you feel the worst, and I want to be around you, period. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind about this."

It really wouldn't be too much of a change, at any rate. Jim was still around during shifts, and if he wasn't, Spock was around, so it wouldn't be so bad. His people knew him, appreciated him enough to know that he never did things on the fly, and it would be a smooth transition back and forth. "I told you earlier. I'll do anything for you, all right? Shifting my schedule around is the least I can do for you, Ianto."

"Ah. Well. Alright, then," Ianto said, hoping he didn't sound as awkward as he felt in that moment. He...he really liked that Sulu said things like that, it made him feel good about himself, made him feel appreciated, but. He wasn't quite sure how to handle it yet. So he blushed, keeping his eyes averted, but leaning back against the other man, back against his warmth and reassurance. "If... If you're sure that you'd want to do that, then. I... I'd really appreciate it if you could."

He fell silent for a moment, before adding to that statement. "You'd have to share with Jack sometimes, too. He swings by during the night. I... It'd be nice to have someone around that would actually sleep while I was sleeping too, though. Not... Not that I don't appreciate Jack being there for me. I do, but." Ianto turned his head so that his cheek was pressed against Sulu's shoulder. "Well. You spent some time with him, while..." Ianto still didn't really like admitting to the fact that he'd been dead, so he trailed off, before picking up after that thought. "You must be at least semi aware of what his sleeping pattern is like." Or lack thereof, which might be a bit more accurate about Jack. Ianto was a pretty deep sleeper, and Jack even woke him up sometimes, milling about the room at night. Not recently, with how tired he'd been as of late, but. Generally speaking, that was usually how things worked out.

"I'm sure. I'll talk to Jim when I get back on board." He made a mental note to try and gloss over the story as much as possible; even though he doubted Jim would really care about him having a relationship with someone in a different world, let alone a different century, he was still a private enough person to want to keep some of the more scandalous facts off the record. For now, at least.

Smiling ruefully, Sulu nodded, making an affirmative noise as Ianto mentioned Jack's sleeping habits. He didn't want to think much about the time they'd been together, when Ianto had been dead, but it was true. He had some idea of how little Jack slept; even then, he'd felt like he'd been forcing the other to sleep more than he'd probably slept in the last twenty years. "Yeah, I have an idea. And it'll be okay sharing you with him," he said with a small laugh, "We crashed together on my tiny bed enough that it won't be awkward, don't worry."

Ianto raised his head to turn and raise an eyebrow at Sulu, blushing despite himself. He knew that Sulu and Jack had been keeping each other company while...while he hadn't been there, but. He hadn't known that they had spent that time being quite close enough with each other to be sharing the same bed. And Ianto knew the size of Sulu's bed. They would have had to get pretty cozy with each other, in order for them both to fit. Jack was even broader in the shoulders than Ianto was, after all.

"Yes, well. I... My bed here is a bit bigger than yours in your cabin, so. Besides, I. I think I'd probably end up being in the middle anyway, so. You'll be spared any unwanted spooning with Jack, as it were." It wasn't until the words were out of his mouth that he realized how...really awkward that sounded. Especially the bit about him being in the middle, especially considering his comment a while back about wanting Jack and Sulu to share him in every sense of the word. Ianto blushed deeply. "I--I just. I mean that, rather, you and Jack--"

But Ianto was spared any further embarrassment by the vibrating of his mobile in his pocket. He shifted to dig it out before looking down, frowning at the caller ID when it read John Watson, who could really only be calling about one thing. One thing that he really didn't want to be discussing in front of Sulu. He shifted on the sofa, pulling out from under Sulu's arm, clutching the blankets around his shoulders as he struggled into a standing position. "I... It's John. I... I'll be back, I just have to..." He trailed off, turning and sending Sulu an apologetic look, before moving to make his way carefully up the stairs and out of hearing range.

Sulu had realized fairly quickly that he'd said something a little awkward just then, but when Ianto started to blush and stammer, he couldn't help but smile. This was something... normal. He could handle this. And Ianto didn't sound exactly upset about the idea of them sleeping in the same bed, just... surprised, and flustered. Definitely flustered.

He had been about to respond when Ianto's phone rang; he shifted as Ianto stood, nodding slowly at his explanation. "It's fine," he said, even though he had to admit, he was a little surprised that Ianto was so quick to leave him when John called. It was about his health, though, and there was a sort of confidence between patients and their doctors that prompted people to talk privately, but still. He would have liked to know what was going on. But he wouldn't let that get to him. Ianto was his own person, and he was already very private; who knew what the two of them had to talk about, specifically. All he could do was wait; wait, and maybe move the lamp from the kitchen back into the living room. ...Yeah, that would keep him distracted from Ianto's sudden absence.

Ianto's phone call didn't last very long, but it didn't exactly put him in the best of moods either. The fact that John didn't really have an explanation for what was going on further cemented his fear that there was nothing to be done about any of it. It'd been why Ianto hadn't called John in the first place when he'd noticed that nothing was getting better there. Because he'd been afraid that John wouldn't know what to tell him. And he'd been right about it. Wearily, Ianto made his way back down the stairs, clutching the blanket closer to himself than he had when he'd ascended just minutes ago.

"Sorry," Ianto said, biting his lip and hoping that he didn't seem too obviously disheartened from the call. "He was just checking in on things. I... I didn't want to have to make you sit through a one-sided yes and no question game, so." He shrugged, before making his way back over to the couch, dropping himself heavily down into it and this time tucking his legs up underneath him, so that they'd fit under the blanket as well.

Sulu wasted no time in helping pull the blankets over Ianto, moving to take his hands up in his own. Ianto looked even more tired than he had before the phone call, and he had to wonder what they'd talked about. Still, Ianto's explanation was enough for him in that moment, considering all Sulu cared about was that Ianto was all right. (Well, as all right as he could be in that particular moment.)

"Don't worry about it," he said, rubbing Ianto's hands between his own. He was warmer, now, that was for sure, but Sulu didn't think it would hurt to have a little extra heat. "And, just so you know, there was nothing going on when Jack was staying with me. He barely slept, I was sleeping all the time..." He trailed off, then shifted to rest his head against Ianto's shoulder, closing his eyes as he murmured, "We just didn't have you around for support, so we had to make do."

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