torchwoodteaboy | [RL WITH SULU]

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[RL WITH SULU]

It'd been a week. A week since that first day that he'd come back from the hospital, and Sulu had had to help him around his flat. A week, most of which he'd spent in a sort of semi-conscious, fatigued and weary state, shuffling about trying to get the necessary things done, but only just succeeding. As Ianto sat on the edge of his bed, just having gotten up from what had been his second nap of the day, and not feeling any better after having taken it, the world spinning around him from having sat up too fast, even though he'd paced himself and been extra careful not to, Ianto had the sinking feeling that in that whole week, he hadn't gotten better at all. Sulu had stuck around until his leave had been up, like he said he would, and then once he'd left, Jack had popped in a few times during the day to help out with chores (he was surprisingly good at doing the dishes and the laundry) and then at night to lie with him (even if Jack didn't sleep and Ianto felt like he was wasting the other man's time). And yet. In that whole week, nothing had changed. Nothing had gotten better. And Ianto was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired, and Jack was great to have around, but. He didn't really understand what it was like to be ill, and sometimes that wore on Ianto even more than not having him around at all.

And now, as the sun was setting, and Jack was off on a sudden call to London, Gwen doing god knows what with Rhys, Ianto wasn't about to disturb their peace, it was all starting to get at Ianto. The darkness was creeping in, and he was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't getting better at all. That maybe he'd never get better. Maybe this was how things would be, from now on. Maybe the darkness really would come for him, because it didn't seem like it would ever really let him go again, and Ianto swallowed against the swell of panic rising in his stomach. He... He couldn't do this. He knew that he didn't want to bother Sulu. That he had specifically refrained from calling him out of the blue for anything since he'd left to go back to his ship, instead waiting for Sulu himself to make the first contact, but. He. He really needed someone there with him. Someone real. Someone who understood and could chase the demons away like he promised he would. And so Ianto did the only thing that he could think of to help, and pulled out his phone to dial the number to Sulu's comm.

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A small, mean, hidden part of Ianto really wanted to tell Sulu that yes, he did want him to leave, so that maybe Sulu would hurt the same way that he had, but he didn't even think about paying attention to that part of himself, quickly brushing it aside. "No," he said, softly, honestly, without hesitation. "No, I don't."

He lowered his eyes, finally moving, huddling himself further into the blankets. God, he was freezing. How long had he been sitting out there, anyway? He didn't even know any more. He had very little concept of time, since he'd made the call. He looked at his watch, but it really didn't help, save to let him know how long it had been since calling in the first place. "I... I want you here. I just. Four hours ago, I needed you here, and. You couldn't come." He sighed. "I really should have expected that, anyway. I should have known that because I needed you here, you couldn't come. That's so typical of the way that everything seems to work with me, lately..."

Sulu sighed again and shook his head, too tired to try and reassure Ianto at the moment. He'd just have to be direct. "It's not some big, multiversal scheme to screw you over, Ianto. It's just a time difference and work getting in the way. It's not because of you, it's just how things worked out this time. And I'm sorry that I wasn't here before, that I couldn't be here before, but I'm here now, so."

He cut himself off before he could finish his thought, abruptly enough that it didn't even sound as though he was contemplating saying a single word more, that he'd almost said "get over it and take it where you can," because that was wrong and it was just his petty, irritable side coming out. And he wanted to keep that from Ianto for as long as he could, damn it.

He pushed himself up and stood in front of Ianto, looking down at him with tired eyes. "It's freezing out here," he said, wondering if Ianto had even noticed. He was so cold already, nowadays...

Just judging by the tone that Sulu was getting with him, Ianto knew that he'd done something wrong. Said something to make the other man upset with him. He could tell that Sulu was irritated with him, even if he hadn't come right out and said it, and it hurt. Ianto leaned forward, clutching his knees to his chest and resting his head on top of them. He felt...horrible. Mentally, and physically, and emotionally exhausted. He'd buried everything so far within himself that there was only a residual aching that gave hint to anything being wrong, because that was just how he dealt with things by himself, but. Now that he wasn't by himself anymore...he wasn't sure that he wanted to let it out. Especially not if it was just going to make the other man angry at him.

"Yeah," Ianto said, after a moment, his voice a lot more raw than it had been moments ago. "It is, isn't it?"

Sulu heard the change in Ianto's tone and knew that he'd said the wrong thing, or used the wrong tone, or something, but he couldn't even begin to unravel it and fix it. Not out here in the cold and the dark, with Ianto looking terrible and his anxiety making his heart pound in his chest. He needed to focus on this as logically as possible and do things in order of importance. Normally, talking would be on the top of the list, but right now...

"We should go inside," he said, quietly and sadly but firmly, because there was no way they were going to be able to talk like this. Not now. He couldn't help but look past Ianto, into the kitchen, remembering how they'd been a little awkward but relatively upbeat, forcing strange teas on a sick Jack, and it made him ache. He hadn't even seen Ianto smile, not more than a little, since... "I can make something to eat, or help you upstairs." Those were the only options Sulu could even see, and he wondered for just a second if those were going to be the only options from now on. He swiped the thought away, but he knew it'd come back. One thing at a time, though.

Ianto shook his head, not bothering to pick it up from where he had it resting on his knees, not really knowing if he could. He'd already eaten, not knowing whether Sulu'd be by any time soon. Not counting on him being able to be by any time soon. He'd tried to function as best he could on his own. He wasn't sure how much ordering takeout was exactly functioning on his own, but. At least he'd gotten food, and eaten it too.

He didn't like this feeling. Everything was starting to well up inside of him, and he didn't want to let it out, but he was going to have to. And he'd never been this tense around Sulu before, and he hated it. He hated that he was bringing out all of these negative sides of the man, that he was bringing him down with him as well. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to lie down. He didn't know what he wanted, though. He couldn't think straight. And Sulu just didn't sound like himself, and it hurt, because he knew that it was all because of him. Tears sprang to his eyes and he clenched them shut to keep them at bay, their presence making it impossible for him to find his voice to really say anything in response to Sulu's offer.

Sulu really didn't want to be upset with Ianto. He had no reason to be upset with him; he had failed him on a basic level and it was his fault that Ianto was feeling the way he was, that he was as sullen as he was, not Ianto's himself. But Sulu hated that fact. He didn't want to be the reason Ianto was upset, he didn't want to feel so guilty over something they both logically knew he had no control over.

When Ianto didn't respond other than to shake his head, Sulu closed his eyes and counted to ten mentally, opening his eyes again before stepping past Ianto to get into the flat. "If you sit out there for any longer, you're going to get colder than you already are," he said flatly, trying to school his voice into something calmer, less anxious and ragged than it wanted to be. He realized he'd failed, but damn it, damn it, he couldn't take that back, either, and the part of him that was irritated and tired and secretly terrified that this was all Ianto was ever going to be had won out.

As Sulu stepped over him, Ianto wanted to reach out and grab him as he passed, reach out and grab on and never let go, but he didn't move, he couldn't move, and then his chance was over and Sulu was out of reach and he was talking to him and... Ianto never wanted to hear Sulu's voice sound like this. Terrified and tired and irritated and it was all because of him and he couldn't take it back, couldn't do anything to fix it, because what if there was nothing that could be fixed?

Ianto couldn't move, couldn't will himself to get up and follow Sulu into the kitchen, couldn't make himself stand and pretend that everything was alright because it clearly wasn't, and maybe he'd be able to pretend later but he'd just spent the day to himself alone and aching and so bloody terrified that keeping up appearances would be nothing more than a sick joke. Unbidden, a sob worked its way up through Ianto's chest, and before he had any control over what it was doing, strangled, muffled against his knees but audible nonetheless, it ripped it's way up his throat and through his mouth. Ianto brought his hands to his face, covering it as another sob started to work its way out from where the first one came.

When Sulu heard Ianto's quiet sobbing, he immediately turned to him, nearly tripping over himself to get to Ianto, feeling just... so fucking terrible that he hadn't even noticed, hadn't even realized that Ianto was so close to cracking, and that he'd let himself be petty and annoyed with him when none of this was Ianto's fault. He came around in front of Ianto and dropped to his knees, putting his hands on the other's arms through the blankets and resting his head on top of Ianto's, feeling how cool he was even under all that cover and feeling even worse for it.

"God, damn it, Ianto, I'm so sorry," he said, falling right back into the apologizing that he hadn't wanted to do before. "I didn't. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me and I'm sorry I'm here now when I can't help you. I'm sorry for the attitude." He was sorry for more than that, but he kept it to himself, not willing to tell Ianto just how sorry he was, not yet.

After the first couple of sobs, Ianto couldn't help it anymore. He just let himself go. And suddenly Sulu was there, and his hands were so warm on his arms, he was just so warm in general, Ianto could feel the body heat radiating off of him, and he could hear his words of apology, but he couldn't get himself to do anything in response, because the floodgates had been opened, and there was no stopping it.

He wanted to tell Sulu that it wasn't his fault. That he understood, and he was sorry for blaming him. That he knew it was out of both of their control, and that it was just chance, and they'd just drawn a bad card today. That he was just having a bad day and that it was alright because tomorrow would have to be better, right? But he couldn't, because there were parts of him that did blame Sulu, there were parts of him that were convinced that this was it, and that they might not even have this for long, that things might get worse, that he might be taken again, and it scared him so much. Ianto shifted, leaning forward toward Sulu, not moving a lot, but enough to press his forehead against Sulu's chest, one of his hands reaching out to grip at Sulu's shirt, holding on as if it was his last lifeline, the other still clenched, covering his face, as he sobbed into his knees, leaning against Sulu's solid warm presence in front of him.

Sulu imagined that this was the closest he could get to the feeling of free-fall with both of his feet on the ground. He felt helpless and weak and it was an awful, gut-wrenching feeling because Ianto was too upset, too hurt by everything Sulu had done that day to reassure him, and Sulu simply had to struggle to be able to help Ianto. He was the problem here, he knew, but he was still going to try. He didn't even know what had upset Ianto to begin with, four hours earlier; he had no idea what he was supposed to be defending the other from. This wasn't something he could fight, but it wasn't something he could just accept.

"Shh," he murmured, shifting as close as their positions would allow, moving a hand to hold Ianto's, letting his grip stay as tight as he wanted on his shirt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get short with you. It's going to be okay, I'm... I'm not going to keep failing you like this, I swear."

Ianto shook his head, forcing the words out through the tears, making his voice rough and cracking and anything but steady as he spoke. He had to pause in between words to let out the sobs he was holding in to speak, sucking in breaths of air in between them, and he probably sounded even worse than when he was just staying quiet, but. He couldn't let Sulu say things like that. "No. Don't... Don't. It's not. You didn't fail me. I... God damn it, I know. There was nothing you could do. I shouldn't. You're....here now and I. I'm glad. It's just. Oh god. I. Don't be upset with me. I. I can't...stand it."

Ianto wanted nothing more in that moment than to reach forward and wrap himself in Sulu's arms and just stay there until he felt better, but that would mean he needed to pick himself up, and he couldn't. The force of his emotions left him huddled in on himself there, clutching at whatever support he could get from the other man in front of him.

"I'm not upset at you," Sulu said, momentarily staggered by Ianto's words and the voice he'd used. Even at his worse, Ianto had never been this bad and it was all Sulu's fault, for not thinking about every possibility when it came to bringing him back, for not preparing a solution to every possible variable like he would have if he'd been smart about it. And he wanted to tell Ianto that, he wanted to apologize for letting him come back when Sulu had no idea how to fix everything for him, but he knew that Ianto would just feel worse for that and he couldn't do that to him.

"I'm not upset because of you," he repeated, resigned but firm. "I'm upset because I can't do anything, and that. It's. ...I hate that I can't help you. I hate it. And I let myself take that out on you and that is my fault, that has nothing to do with you or how you're feeling. You have every right to be angry at me, because I'm being the worst kind of person in the world just because I feel useless."

Ianto's hand tightened on his shirt. "You're not. Not useless. Not to me." He tried to get himself to calm down, taking in deep breaths, but still shuddering every now and then as another sob shook his frame. "If. If you're useless, then. I'm..." He sucked in another hiccuping breath of air. He couldn't even make it up and down the stairs himself without needing a rest. If Sulu was useless, then Ianto was beyond hope. He shook his head. "I need you. I need you here. With me. That's not. That's not useless."

After a few more moments of sitting there, trying to collect himself, the cold really was starting to get to him, and he shivered violently. He hadn't even noticed while he was sitting there, but now that he could feel how warm Sulu was. "I need..." He sucked in a breath, trying to calm himself down. "I... It's cold. I'm cold. I. Take...take me inside? I want to go inside. With you." Ianto wasn't sure he was quite ready to make the trek upstairs to the bedroom, but. The couch was comfortable for sitting with each other, and he wasn't about to try going to sleep quite just yet.

Sulu didn't know how Ianto couldn't see just how completely useless he was here. He couldn't even be there when Ianto needed him to be there; all he could do was come four hours late and be short with him like an ass. How was that useful? How was that even remotely helpful to Ianto?

But when Ianto asked to go inside, all he could think was that yes, damn it, if that's what you want. It was the smallest, most stupid thing to feel useful over but he grabbed it anyway, holding the simple request as though it were a direct command. "Of course," he whispered, "Anything. Anything you want, I swear."

Carefully, he moved to stand, his hands gripping Ianto's arms to help pull him up, as slowly as he needed, blankets be damned. He'd pick them up and bring them inside once Ianto was in, and then he'd never leave. ...But he had to. He had to go. He couldn't keep putting off his job for Ianto, he had responsibilities. He could only hope that he could stay long enough to make a difference.

Ianto stood, gingerly, grateful for Sulu's hands there to help pull him up, because he was stiff from sitting on the doorstep to his back garden for far too long. As he straightened, the blankets dropping to the ground as neither of his hands were free to keep them on, and he shivered violently against the cold night air. It had been chilly, even for this time of year, and without the added protection of the blankets around him, Ianto's t-shirt didn't stand a chance at fighting off the night breezes.

Ianto leaned into Sulu's support as they made their way back into his flat, through the kitchen and into the living room. Rather than letting Sulu continue to guide him upstairs to the bedroom, though, Ianto veered sideways, making it clear that he wanted to stay on the first floor, in the living room. As Sulu guided Ianto to the couch, he sank down on one end, shivering, keeping a tight grip on Sulu's hands even after he was seated. He didn't want to let go, but also really needed the other man to fetch the blankets from where they'd left them. So he looked up at Sulu, his blue eyes wide, sad, and very lost, still full of tears, and asked him, "...sit with me? When you get back? I. Please?"

Sulu made no move to pull away from Ianto as he sat, keeping close and holding his hands, pulling them to his chest briefly as he leaned over to kiss Ianto's forehead. "Anything you want," he murmured, "I'll sit with you for as long as you want." All he had to do was get the blankets for Ianto and then he would sit and keep Ianto company and try his best to help fix whatever damage the last four hours of his absence had caused.

He practically jogged to the back door, picking up the blankets and brushing off bits of dirt before taking them inside, closing the back door behind him. He paused for just a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep, shuddering breath, because he needed to be strong right now, more than anything, and then he continued to the living room, sitting down in the middle of the sofa before handing the blankets over. As he had all that time ago, when they'd first gotten together in the hospital, Sulu stayed close to Ianto, not wanting to give an illusion of separation.

"Here you go," he said as he handed the blankets to Ianto, letting him adjust however he liked before handing over any more, "That'll help keep you warm." He could help, too, but he didn't know how much Ianto really wanted him around right then.

Ianto shifted closer to Sulu on the couch, pressing up against his side, resting his head on the other man's shoulder, pulling the blankets over both of them, even though he knew Sulu probably wasn't that cold in that moment. He was, and the added heat of Sulu under the blankets would heat everything up a lot faster, he knew, so. He reached, taking Sulu's closest hand in his own, his skin ice cold to the touch, he knew, as he shivered and tried to draw as much warmth from the other man as quickly as he could.

After a long moment, when Ianto was pretty sure he had most of the crying done, the tears once again under control, he let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and relaxing against Sulu's shoulder. He felt like he needed to explain himself, but. No, of course Sulu would listen to him, this time. He'd just been busy, earlier. There hadn't been time for long explanations. Ianto had to remind himself of that fiercely before he could speak. "I... I'm sorry," he said, softly. "It's. It's been... It's been a bad day." And not just because no one had been around. Jack wasn't around for the majority of the day each of the days he'd spent home from the hospital, but. Ianto had felt more sick than usual on this day. And maybe it was all in his head, but it had sent him spiraling down a very horrible train of thought that, well, had led them to where they were, right there and then.

Sulu practically sagged into Ianto as he curled up with him under the blankets, pulling them so that they were comfortably spread over both of them while giving the majority to Ianto. He needed it more than Sulu did, after all - he was so, so cold. Like he'd been on the way to the hospital. Sulu shivered himself and reached, twisting to put an arm around Ianto and still keep their hands clasped. He wished he'd gotten Ianto in sooner. He didn't even know how long the other man had been out there - for all he knew, he could have been out there for the whole four hours.

He wished Ianto wouldn't apologize to him. None of this, none of this was his fault, and he didn't want him to think that it was. But he knew, also, that trying to tell him not to apologize would be useless, just as Ianto telling him had done nothing to ease his fear or guilt. "It's okay," he said instead, rubbing his thumb over Ianto's ice cold hand. He twisted his neck to get a good look at Ianto, as good as he could with how they were positioned. "Tell me about it?"

Ianto shut his eyes, breathing deeply as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say to the other man. He didn't really want to let him know that he wasn't feeling any better than he had the week before, even if it was pretty obvious just by looking at him, by the way he had been acting. He needed to make a note to try and make himself seem better, it was just. Today, he couldn't seem to do it. He'd been doing so much better about it, but then Jack had left him for London and the prospect of an empty flat just left him...

"Jack's in London," he said, softly. "Haven't seen him all day. Haven't seen anyone all day. I... I don't know if it was because everyone else was busy or whether I just. I mean. It. It was so quiet. So lonely. So much like...like there that I..." He tried to get his explanation out without saying anything about the fact that this was all centered around him not feeling any better. He didn't want Sulu to know that his health hadn't improved at all. Sure, he still looked tired, and sick, but. That didn't mean that Sulu would know that nothing had changed, right? Ianto shivered again, pressing himself closer to the other man, hoping that it wasn't as obvious as he seemed to think it was that he was holding something back in that explanation.

Sulu made a quiet, calming sound when Ianto trailed off, the hand Ianto was holding on to clutching back at him tightly. Sulu had no idea what Ianto was going through, not really, but even then, his explanation wasn't a surprise to him. Sulu could tell that sometimes Ianto... thought about it, maybe without meaning to. Thought about the dark and whatever was there, waiting for him, waiting to hurt him and it made Sulu angry. What kind of afterlife was that?

He knew that having things making noise all over the flat wasn't going to help. There wasn't going to be something to fix, not so simply. Knowing that, he didn't know what to say. How to make things even a little better for Ianto. "I'm sorry," he said once again, relying on what he could do, "I know... I know this is hard for you. I want to be able to help you when things get that bad, I just. ...You're still freezing," he said quietly, because Ianto was still cold, and he might've set back any positive developments by sitting out there for so long. He didn't even question that Ianto was getting better - he had to be.

Ianto turned his head so that his forehead rested against Sulu's shoulder. God, even his nose was cold, he found out, as he felt it warming from the contact with the other man. "I... I don't know how long I've been out there," he confided in Sulu. "I... It didn't feel quite so bad when I could hear other people. I...guess that I sort of lost track of the time." He shivered, pressing himself as close as he could, given the way that they were sitting. He wanted to wrap himself around Sulu and steal all the warmth that he was giving, but. There was still something awkward between the two of them. Ianto felt awkward, especially, for crying at him, for making him feel bad, for...for needing him so much, and even after having been hurt by him, being so grateful that he was finally there.

Ianto was starting to shiver continuously, now that he was warming up. "Sorry," he said, apologizing for the motion of it, and the fact that he was basically clinging to the other man, relying on him for support and warmth as he rode it out, his body struggling to bring itself back to some semblance of a normal temperature. Or, well. As close as it had been managing, lately. "I... I am pretty cold. It. It had to be about 5 degrees out there. I should've known better..."

Sulu couldn't help but jump at the cold as Ianto pressed his face against his shoulder. He winced and began rubbing Ianto's shoulder, trying to help him warm up as quickly as possible. He hated how cold Ianto was. It wasn't... it scared him, he knew, but it went beyond just a fear of him catching something. It made him wonder if Ianto was always going to run cold like this, forever, more than he had before.

Pushing the thoughts away again, Sulu smiled weakly at Ianto's comments. "Don't apologize, it's okay. We'll just get you warmed up and then..." And then what? What was there to do, when Ianto was feeling as bad as he did? Sulu paused, then asked, "How have you been feeling, lately?" Because right now, yes, Ianto looked just as bad as ever, but it couldn't possibly be the norm for him. No part of Sulu wanted to believe that.

Ianto sighed, both at the question, but also in relief because Sulu's rubbing his shoulder was helping him warm up. He could only hope to hide the first reason behind the second one, and hope that Sulu wouldn't notice. "Mmm," he said, in response to Sulu's actions, letting out a soft noise of approval as he did start to warmer than he had before.

How to answer Sulu's question without outright lying to him, though? Ianto had promised himself that he wouldn't outright lie to the other man, and he intended to keep that promise. It...didn't cover implying something other than the truth, he decided, but. Outright lying was out, and that would be difficult, especially in this situation. "I... I've been alright. Cold. Still tired, but. I mean, I guess that's to be expected. I... I think things're getting better, I just. I guess today's just a bit of a relapse, it seems," he said, trying to cover for the fact that he couldn't pretend to be better like he'd been doing for the last week, when Sulu and Jack had been visiting.

Sulu took what Ianto was saying at face value, not thinking (or wanting to consider) that he might be hiding the truth. He nodded, resting his chin on top of Ianto's head. "That's okay. You're probably not just going to wake up one day and be completely healthy all of a sudden. Even in my time, that's not really possible." Not without lots of hyposprays and a very persistent CMO, at least. "We'll just take it one day at a time, and it'll work out."

He didn't know if he believed that, really, but his optimism had always brought good results and he wasn't about to abandon it now, when he needed it most. He would just work with what they had and hope for the best, because that was really all he could do. "Until then, though. I'll... I'll see if I can't talk to Jim about fixing my schedule until your better, so I can be available during your nights. I think he might be okay with it, now that he knows about the community again." He hoped, at least.

Ianto paused, lifting his head from Sulu's shoulder to look the man in the eyes for probably the first time that day, wanting to make sure that he had heard him right, honestly surprised that Sulu was even suggesting something like that. "You..." he said, his eyes wide and impossibly blue as couldn't help but look a little surprised at Sulu. "You'd actually do that...?" he asked. He understood what his job meant to Sulu. He understood how much he loved it, how much a part of his life it was, and. To have the other man try to work his work schedule out around Ianto himself... He wasn't sure what to make of it.

Not...that he didn't want Sulu to do so. He'd really appreciate it if he could. He loved Jack, but Jack...Jack was restless at nights, Jack looked at him with sad eyes and hesitant smiles and Ianto wanted to do something to fix that but until he got better he couldn't, and so it was just frustrating, the pair of them holding each other at arm's length. At least Sulu wasn't pushing Ianto away, even if Ianto himself might have been doing a little pushing in the opposite direction.

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